Photos

I've hinted at it before, but it is a fact of life that my self-perception of how I look does not match up with the way other see me and how my body actually is. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see the things that I like (oooh, some definition in my abs, oooh, a little curve around my ribcage showing an inward indentation of curves), but most of the time I see the things I do not like (thighs that touch, chicken wings). I am the first to admit that the "ideal" image of a woman is in my brain even though I know I would look ill if I was that thin, but to be that toned and thin. I look in the mirror and see the girl in the size 16 jeans weighing around 200 pounds, instead of the woman floating between a size 10 and 12 weighing 179 pounds. This year I set a goal to hit what the doctors have said is the top of my "Ideal Weight Range." According to them, I will be in my healthy weight when I am 175 pounds. But the bigger goal, the one that I have not talked about is my goal to see myself the way others see me and to reset my mental image of myself. It is not an easy thing to do, especially when you grow up hearing "You're fat. You're ugly" or people act toward you in ways that lead you to not believe in yourself. I know there are people who use those to rise above. I was one of those people who took the words in and internalized them. Sometimes they stuck, at others they rolled off my back.

Recently I started talking with someone I worked a haunted house with who is a very talented photographer. In the course of our discussion, he mentioned that everyone has 1 photo that they want to do. I insisted that I could not think of one, but as we kept talking, I remembered a Janet Jackson album cover that I would say was my secret photo desire. It is sexy, it has attitude, and most of all it says "I am comfortable with who I am. So I mentioned this to John, and as we continued talking, he came up with the idea to try a "Greek Statue" shoot as well. So, we had 2 solid ideas, and I let slip that I did not have any qualms with shooting nude as long as I had control over who would see the images. We set up a day and time, and I took a couple of moments to talk to someone.

There is someone who came into my life not too long ago who has helped me to see myself through his eyes. Whether or not I am dressed up, in jeans, or in sweats, he thinks I am beautiful in them all. When I told him I wanted to lose weight, he told me not too much and I gave him permission to tell me if I get too thin. Permission, so he knows I won't get mad if he says something. =) Needless to say, he has been good to me and I'm glad he is a friend. But, I also wanted to check with him before I did these photos. Not because I wanted his permission, but because I wanted to make sure he would be ok with it.

Anyway, Friday we took the pictures. More of them ended up nude than I thought. I'm glad that John has to ask me before he shows them, but I'm thinking I also need to find out WHICH photos he shows, as some I am more comfortable with than others. But I have this to say for the entire experience. John was a doll to work with, treated me with respect, did everything he could to make me comfortable, and I will recommend him to ANYONE wanting ANY type of photo done. But more important than that, at least to me, is that seeing myself through a photographers lens shows me that my body is different than my mental image of it. Sure, there are areas that I want to tone up more, what woman doesn't? But on a whole, WOW. I have curves in the right places, amazing collarbones, and a total mental reset in how I look.

One could not have done this photo shoot if they had inhibitions, and I have long since lost many of them, but I was still nervous. But no matter what anyone says to me, I am glad that I did it. For it has changed the way I see myself, and that is the best gift I could have.

And no, I am not posting any of my photos on here. If you want to see, contact me and we will see.