Body Image

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. Maybe it comes from trying to please someone who could never be pleased growing up. Maybe it comes from holding myself to a high standard. Maybe it is a combination of all that and more. Who knows. All I know is that about 50% of the time when I look in the mirror, I am not happy with what I see.

Now, I am never going to have plastic surgery or anything drastic. I love my features, even my extra gummy smile that was caused by me breaking the tiny band of skin that holds our gums to the lip when swimming as a kid. But I always feel like I am fat. Always. I look in the mirror and don't see what other people tell me they see. I see someone who needs to lose at LEAST 15 pounds.

Why 15 pounds? 15 pounds would get me to the TOP of the "ideal weight" scale that I have been hearing I should be in my entire adult life. Honestly, I don't think I have been anywhere near that in my entire life. No, wait. I hit the top of it when my body was not absorbing ANYTHING I was eating in the weeks before my diagnosis with CD. Needless to say, once I was able to eat again, the weight went back up to about 185-190. That is down from my heaviest of almost 200 pounds.

As long as I can remember, the women in my family have been trying to lose weight, or talking about losing weight. I'm thankful that due to my CD diagnosis, a lot of the danger food that others enjoy and consider their diet downfalls are off-limits to me, and I refuse to bake any of them for just myself, as I will eat it all. And I try to enjoy my sweets in moderation. So, I'm working on getting on the right path food wise in terms of portion size and getting a good protein/carb mix. I am using www.myfitnesspal.com to help me track my food intake. I am also going to use Shakeology (a gluten-free meal replacement drink) to help me get in a "3rd meal" on days when I have rehearsal and don't have time to make something healthy.

I love to be active, but at the same time, I love to sit on my computer and veg. The Chicago Park District is free from Jan 2-9 and I am going to try to take advantage of that at least 3x to get in a good hour on the elliptical and the bike. I have been told that is longer than I need to go for a good cardio workout, but I love going an hour. I feel good when I am done. The last time I had a guest pass to a gym, I got about 16 miles in on a recumbent bike with sore knees. I have become a Team Beachbody coach because I love their low-impact programs like Yoga Booty Ballet and Slim in Six and want to try Brazilian Butt Lift. I wish I could do P90X, or Insanity, but my knees and the floor of my apartment (and downstairs neighbors) would not appreciate it. These are great programs and I encourage anyone to look into them.

It is frustrating to me to see people who are shorter and rounder (I mean this as no insult to them, it is just my mental frustration) wearing the same size pants as I wear. It makes me think that while I may have thought I was skinny, I am really as fat as they are. Not good mental health on my part, I know. I'm thankful for the ex who helped me to realize how beautiful I am, inside and out, and that other people think I am gorgeous. But I need to learn to see myself as gorgeous at all times, and not when dressed up with the hair and the make-up done.

15 pounds by June. That is do-able. A certain someone has already told me they will let me know if 15 pounds actually is too much on me and I need to stop. I trust this person. And hopefully, I can work on the negative mindset I have about weight in my head. I just know I don't want to end up looking like my mother with her attitude towards food and weight.