I'm sorry, this probably is not going to be the most fun blog today. But see, the thing is, I don't really have anyone to talk to about what I am thinking. I feel that I have to wear different masks when interacting with different people and I cannot let them drop, not even to my family. With this person I have to be fun and playful, with that one I am their to offer support, with another I am a "big sister" figure and with others I am that random person on the periphery that they say "HI" to once in a while. But I feel like I don't really have anyone that I can share with. So my blog will have to do.
2 years ago I moved to Chicago to "grow up." I had decided that it was time that I had an adult job, earning real money and making a move to have a career. I LOVE(d) performing at Disney, but 2 knee surgeries and various aches and pains later, thought that I could not do it forever and that I needed to move on. Those who know me, know all of the details of the move and the whys and wherefores, so I am not going to rehash them here.
Thing is, I have tried 2 adult jobs and been fired from both of them. The HR Director at my last job told me that now I could go follow my passion and do what I love. Bt I don't have a lot of non-theme park experience in what I love, I am running out of money, earning LESS than I did at Disney, the city of Chicago is draining my money because of stupid reasons (forgetting to get a new city sticker, then ticketing me the day I go buy the new one, being parked on the wrong side of the street on sweeping day cuz there was not a sign near where I parked, etc), and I am frustrated, tired and working my way toward depression.
YES, I have another part-time job leasing apartments. It pays $8/hr plus a set commission on anything I rent, so it will help. But when you go from earning $14/hr to $8 and full-time with benefits to part-time with none, it hurts.
I know myself and I know the signs. I am prepping for a BUNCH of auditions in August and staying positive on that one, but with the rest of my life I feel the big chasm of depression starting to open up and I do not know how to fight it or how much strength I have TO fight it. Granted, I say that now, but knowing me, once I start really sliding I will find a way to pick myself up and fight on and get out.
But do I take a year and try to really break into performing, or do I go after the jobs that will pay the money I need to pay off my student loan debt and live comfortably? And why is it an either/or situation? Oh, I am so confused and lost.
28 July 2009
22 July 2009
Photo Shoot!
Today was headshot day!! Woo Hoo! I finally got to meet Gretchen Kelley and have new headshots taken. Gretchen is a graduate of UM-Bozeman who moved here about a year ago from St. Paul and works with natural light. The price was totally right for me and I had so much fun!
I came in wearing my tan sweater, jeans and brown knee-high boots. We talked and laughed over the fact that I brought about 6 changes of clothing and a suitcase full of shoes, make-up and a portable curling iron. We went through the options and then she told me that she really liked what I had on and that would be a good place to start. She asked if I minded sitting in front of her big windows on a window box and I didn't. Now, her apartment was a mess, but they just moved over the weekend, so I was not going to complain. Anyway...we took a bunch of shots on the window box and then she pulled up a chair and I sat on it a couple of different ways while she took photos. We talked about how I wanted to have 2 good headshots showing 2 different moods and one silly picture that I could use as a postcard.
Then we go to the next outfit and I put on my eggplant cowl neck sweater and went outside. Took a bunch of photos on her stoop, then walked a bit to an alley where we took some in a doorway and on a safety rail until we got annoyed by the EL. Back to her place where the real fun began!
Back at her place I put on my New Orleans Green Dress. I LOVE this dress and need a little underskirt to poof it out a bit. I pulled the sides of my hair back and away we went. We took some pictures on her stairwell, which had a skylight right over the top and while I was taking "headshot-esque" photos I was pulling Betty Boop poses and other silly faces. Gretchen made a comment that I loved. She told me that with my dress, my haircolor and my attitude I reminded her of Lucille Ball. I'll take it! After the stairwell we went outside and just started wandering. We found a pretty entranceway and she took some shots there. Walked a bit further and she had just said that if I saw something I liked I was free to play. Well, there was an iron gate swinging and I jumped on it! So that was the start of the silly, fun pictures (with some head/shoulder headshot photos thrown in). Further down the block we found a cool graffitti wall and both decided the contrast would be great. Found a really cool sign, but couldn't figure out what to do with the background, so we bypassed that idea. Found a pretty curbside garden with a ton of flowers and daisies and of course, I went into it for pictures. I started playing the "He Loves Me" without pulling any petals off, which she got and loved, then I decided to pick one off and do it for real. I started slow, then flew threw because I had an idea for the last 2 petals. I did the He Loves Me and then the He Loves Me Not and had her cracking up. AWESOME! Finally, we were heading back and I found a soccer net and I totally went into it and started playing. =)
I think we are going to have a LOT to choose from. She is only going to give me the 25 best on a disc ( =( ), and then will clean up 2 of them and prep them for printing. I am really excited about them and how they turned out!
I came in wearing my tan sweater, jeans and brown knee-high boots. We talked and laughed over the fact that I brought about 6 changes of clothing and a suitcase full of shoes, make-up and a portable curling iron. We went through the options and then she told me that she really liked what I had on and that would be a good place to start. She asked if I minded sitting in front of her big windows on a window box and I didn't. Now, her apartment was a mess, but they just moved over the weekend, so I was not going to complain. Anyway...we took a bunch of shots on the window box and then she pulled up a chair and I sat on it a couple of different ways while she took photos. We talked about how I wanted to have 2 good headshots showing 2 different moods and one silly picture that I could use as a postcard.
Then we go to the next outfit and I put on my eggplant cowl neck sweater and went outside. Took a bunch of photos on her stoop, then walked a bit to an alley where we took some in a doorway and on a safety rail until we got annoyed by the EL. Back to her place where the real fun began!
Back at her place I put on my New Orleans Green Dress. I LOVE this dress and need a little underskirt to poof it out a bit. I pulled the sides of my hair back and away we went. We took some pictures on her stairwell, which had a skylight right over the top and while I was taking "headshot-esque" photos I was pulling Betty Boop poses and other silly faces. Gretchen made a comment that I loved. She told me that with my dress, my haircolor and my attitude I reminded her of Lucille Ball. I'll take it! After the stairwell we went outside and just started wandering. We found a pretty entranceway and she took some shots there. Walked a bit further and she had just said that if I saw something I liked I was free to play. Well, there was an iron gate swinging and I jumped on it! So that was the start of the silly, fun pictures (with some head/shoulder headshot photos thrown in). Further down the block we found a cool graffitti wall and both decided the contrast would be great. Found a really cool sign, but couldn't figure out what to do with the background, so we bypassed that idea. Found a pretty curbside garden with a ton of flowers and daisies and of course, I went into it for pictures. I started playing the "He Loves Me" without pulling any petals off, which she got and loved, then I decided to pick one off and do it for real. I started slow, then flew threw because I had an idea for the last 2 petals. I did the He Loves Me and then the He Loves Me Not and had her cracking up. AWESOME! Finally, we were heading back and I found a soccer net and I totally went into it and started playing. =)
I think we are going to have a LOT to choose from. She is only going to give me the 25 best on a disc ( =( ), and then will clean up 2 of them and prep them for printing. I am really excited about them and how they turned out!
17 July 2009
Audition #6 aka Good God in Heaven, How Many Local Groups are Putting on Rent this Year???
So, last night was another audition in another town. Yes, I was cuing some EVITA in my head when I typed that, where did that come from???
Anyway, The Drama Group in Chicago Heights had auditions Thursday night and I figured "what the hey!" Let me first say that I had NO CLUE where Chicago Heights was and the good folks at Google Maps, which is usually a trusted friend, completely failed me this time. FYI, Chicago Heights is a southern suburb, it might be south-west, but I am not that geographically gifted. Anyway, I was told to get on IL-394, which I never saw....instead I stayed on 57 and hoped I would see a sign for one of the roads I was told to get off on. After seeing cornfields, I decided I needed to get my happy, citified bottom off of the highway and into a service station for directions. Thankfully, the guy behind the counter had a clue where I was going and got me there very easily! So, I ended up at The Drama Group for my audition.
What a crowd! There were 3x as many people for this audition as there were for the last one. In all, they auditioned 79 people for 20 parts between two nights of auditions. It was a good crowd, everyone was really friendly and I met some really cool people whilst waiting for my turn to audition. I kind of started to feel bad for the director and others in the audition room, because you HAD to sing a song from the show. Well, Maureen and Joanne really only have one number for the girls to choose from, so "Take Me or Leave Me" was heard multiple times, and yes, that is what I sang (Joanne's part). Next time I audition for this show I am going to HUNT for a copy of the score so I can do "We're OK", just to be different!
I am not going to lie, somehow I allowed myself to get a little bit psyched out. I was hoping and praying I could remember my first note and got a little nervous. Went in, spoke to Mark, the accompanist, said hello to the panel at the table and started. I just let myself belt that sucker out. According to Stephanie (later on her), I sounded good and she could hear me through the door! When I finished, they asked me what a "Reindeer Swing" was (from Disney) and how tall I was. I was the tallest freaking person there last night! They asked all of us to say so they could see us all in a line-up and form stage pictures.
When they finished with the stage pictures they asked 3 girls and a couple of guys to stick around. They paired Steph with each of the girls to do the duet portion of "Take Me or Leave Me." Steph played Joanne in her High Schools production of RENT and knocked it out, the 2 girls were a little weak, but had potential. The guys were kept to do "I'll Cover You".
Steph came in for Kenosha, WISCONSIN (she crazy) for the audition. She is starting Columbia in the fall and I offered to give her a ride to the train station, and then said, how about if I just take you to Union Station so you don't have to stand on the train platform by yourself at 11pm. OMG, we hit it off! I had her laughing so hard, it was great. She kept telling me that I am so getting cast because I had a rich, soulful voice that she would kill to have. Uhm..... ok?? I am not counting my chickens or anything like that, but it was nice to have someone boost me, cuz I don't know how I really sound when I sing. I know I let the director know that I would be honored to have any part in the show.
Anyway, it was fun, I learned that I need to keep my confidence level up at auditions and not let myself get psyched out by others and that I cannot get in my head when my brain wants to forget the lyrics so that I reach the point where I look ABOVE the directors head and don't quite act out the lyrics.
Anyway, The Drama Group in Chicago Heights had auditions Thursday night and I figured "what the hey!" Let me first say that I had NO CLUE where Chicago Heights was and the good folks at Google Maps, which is usually a trusted friend, completely failed me this time. FYI, Chicago Heights is a southern suburb, it might be south-west, but I am not that geographically gifted. Anyway, I was told to get on IL-394, which I never saw....instead I stayed on 57 and hoped I would see a sign for one of the roads I was told to get off on. After seeing cornfields, I decided I needed to get my happy, citified bottom off of the highway and into a service station for directions. Thankfully, the guy behind the counter had a clue where I was going and got me there very easily! So, I ended up at The Drama Group for my audition.
What a crowd! There were 3x as many people for this audition as there were for the last one. In all, they auditioned 79 people for 20 parts between two nights of auditions. It was a good crowd, everyone was really friendly and I met some really cool people whilst waiting for my turn to audition. I kind of started to feel bad for the director and others in the audition room, because you HAD to sing a song from the show. Well, Maureen and Joanne really only have one number for the girls to choose from, so "Take Me or Leave Me" was heard multiple times, and yes, that is what I sang (Joanne's part). Next time I audition for this show I am going to HUNT for a copy of the score so I can do "We're OK", just to be different!
I am not going to lie, somehow I allowed myself to get a little bit psyched out. I was hoping and praying I could remember my first note and got a little nervous. Went in, spoke to Mark, the accompanist, said hello to the panel at the table and started. I just let myself belt that sucker out. According to Stephanie (later on her), I sounded good and she could hear me through the door! When I finished, they asked me what a "Reindeer Swing" was (from Disney) and how tall I was. I was the tallest freaking person there last night! They asked all of us to say so they could see us all in a line-up and form stage pictures.
When they finished with the stage pictures they asked 3 girls and a couple of guys to stick around. They paired Steph with each of the girls to do the duet portion of "Take Me or Leave Me." Steph played Joanne in her High Schools production of RENT and knocked it out, the 2 girls were a little weak, but had potential. The guys were kept to do "I'll Cover You".
Steph came in for Kenosha, WISCONSIN (she crazy) for the audition. She is starting Columbia in the fall and I offered to give her a ride to the train station, and then said, how about if I just take you to Union Station so you don't have to stand on the train platform by yourself at 11pm. OMG, we hit it off! I had her laughing so hard, it was great. She kept telling me that I am so getting cast because I had a rich, soulful voice that she would kill to have. Uhm..... ok?? I am not counting my chickens or anything like that, but it was nice to have someone boost me, cuz I don't know how I really sound when I sing. I know I let the director know that I would be honored to have any part in the show.
Anyway, it was fun, I learned that I need to keep my confidence level up at auditions and not let myself get psyched out by others and that I cannot get in my head when my brain wants to forget the lyrics so that I reach the point where I look ABOVE the directors head and don't quite act out the lyrics.
10 July 2009
Audition #5 aka Rent Redux
I am a couple days late posting the recap, but in the excitement of prepping for my weekend in New Orleans I haven't had time or the desire to update on my last audition.
Tuesday saw me heading to Winnetka (northern suburb) for my audition. It was the first time I had seen Joanne listed as an Alto (the last call and the next were Mezzo), but as always, I just wanted the experience. Especially since the sheet music for my "rock" song did not come in until about 3 that afternoon! Oh, the song was "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant which is one of my favorite to sing. But what I did not like was getting it so late so I couldn't go to Old Town and at least plunk out the melody on the piano. So, the first time I heard it on piano was when the accompanist played it.
Anyway, I Google mapped my way and set out for the foreign environs of ... Winnetka. Ok, the audition was in this BEAUTIFUL old building! I get in and do the one thing I probably shouldn't have but a group of us just started talking and normally that might have psyched me out, but it actually relaxed me. Not going to make a habit of it, but it was fun.
Well, I get called into the room, which was HUGE!! Walk to the accompanist and give him my 2 pieces of music. I give him the ballad first which would be my 2nd song (Not That Girl from WICKED) and he does the tempo check like his house was on fire! I told him to slow it down to music box speed and start singing a bit with him. Then I hand him Wonder, which he plays slow. OY! Through singing through a bit of it, leading him through the repeats and coda's and helping him figure out the roadmap of the piece, I walk to the mark.
I came in with heels on, but I said "If you don't mind, I am going to go from a really impressive height to a not-quite-as-impressive-but-still-pretty-impressive height" before kicking them off. At this point I sing Wonder and it was ok. I am going to chalk the not good parts of it to the fact that I have only sung it to the CD. I get done and I am asked to pick a phrase and sing it full out. So I took a deep breath and just let it go. That felt so good. Then they thanked me and I went to change for the dance portion.
For the dance I am starting off by thanking Disney for teaching me how to pick up basic choreography really quick and then perform it. They took 8 of us in and we learned 8 8-counts. And then had what seemed like an hour to go over the routine, which gave lots of time to ask questions and get stuff down. When the director finally came in, they split the room in half to perform it and I was in the second group. I made a couple of minor mistakes that I KNEW I would correct when they had us run it again (first group ran it twice), but they said "Thank You" after one go round. *sigh* Well, the choreographer HAD watched us run it for an hour, so she knows what we can do. And, they put my info second from the top, right under the best male dancer in the room, so that is a positive, right??
One thing I really got out of this is that I chatter when I nervous. Not always a bad thing, but in the future I am going to work on doing a little less of it. Also, keep working on the music with a piano. But, all in all, it was another positive audition and I got something else out of it.
Tuesday saw me heading to Winnetka (northern suburb) for my audition. It was the first time I had seen Joanne listed as an Alto (the last call and the next were Mezzo), but as always, I just wanted the experience. Especially since the sheet music for my "rock" song did not come in until about 3 that afternoon! Oh, the song was "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant which is one of my favorite to sing. But what I did not like was getting it so late so I couldn't go to Old Town and at least plunk out the melody on the piano. So, the first time I heard it on piano was when the accompanist played it.
Anyway, I Google mapped my way and set out for the foreign environs of ... Winnetka. Ok, the audition was in this BEAUTIFUL old building! I get in and do the one thing I probably shouldn't have but a group of us just started talking and normally that might have psyched me out, but it actually relaxed me. Not going to make a habit of it, but it was fun.
Well, I get called into the room, which was HUGE!! Walk to the accompanist and give him my 2 pieces of music. I give him the ballad first which would be my 2nd song (Not That Girl from WICKED) and he does the tempo check like his house was on fire! I told him to slow it down to music box speed and start singing a bit with him. Then I hand him Wonder, which he plays slow. OY! Through singing through a bit of it, leading him through the repeats and coda's and helping him figure out the roadmap of the piece, I walk to the mark.
I came in with heels on, but I said "If you don't mind, I am going to go from a really impressive height to a not-quite-as-impressive-but-still-pretty-impressive height" before kicking them off. At this point I sing Wonder and it was ok. I am going to chalk the not good parts of it to the fact that I have only sung it to the CD. I get done and I am asked to pick a phrase and sing it full out. So I took a deep breath and just let it go. That felt so good. Then they thanked me and I went to change for the dance portion.
For the dance I am starting off by thanking Disney for teaching me how to pick up basic choreography really quick and then perform it. They took 8 of us in and we learned 8 8-counts. And then had what seemed like an hour to go over the routine, which gave lots of time to ask questions and get stuff down. When the director finally came in, they split the room in half to perform it and I was in the second group. I made a couple of minor mistakes that I KNEW I would correct when they had us run it again (first group ran it twice), but they said "Thank You" after one go round. *sigh* Well, the choreographer HAD watched us run it for an hour, so she knows what we can do. And, they put my info second from the top, right under the best male dancer in the room, so that is a positive, right??
One thing I really got out of this is that I chatter when I nervous. Not always a bad thing, but in the future I am going to work on doing a little less of it. Also, keep working on the music with a piano. But, all in all, it was another positive audition and I got something else out of it.
06 July 2009
I've been feeling a little Blue.
Everything is finally catching up to me and I am going to admit here that I am feeling more than a little blue. When I talk to people online they ask me, "What's this I hear about you being depressed?" And I brush it off like it is something I am over because I don't want to trouble them with it. But the truth of the matter is, I am depressed. I HATE the fact that I have no one to go out with here in Chicago or that I hold people at arm's length. I have been this way for so long it is part of my personality and I just don't know how to undo it.
I am scared over going to New Orleans. My last experience there was not the most shining example of me at my best due to some personal drama that was going on at the time. I am scared I burnt some bridges to some people who I really enjoy spending time with. I get that the people I am staying with are super busy, I get it, but I hope I have not totally pissed them off from something in the past that I haven't already apologized for.
Then there is the whole job thing. When I left my job, the HR Director said that now I could go do what I loved doing. Great. What is that exactly? If it is performing, my non-Disney resume is so freaking thin I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I am going to auditions and looking for monolgue material that I like, but it is a battle. In the meantime, what is going to pay my bills? And, even more important, what am I meant to do that will make me happy and not make going into the office a drag???
Did I mention loneliness? Yea, that one is in there too.
I'm sorry to dump on you. I actually don't know if anyone really reads this. But, I needed to talk to someone, so thanks for reading.
In the meantime, I am listening to one of my favorite "pick-me-up" shows -- "The Drowsy Chaperone." Look it up if you haven't heard it, it's great.
I am scared over going to New Orleans. My last experience there was not the most shining example of me at my best due to some personal drama that was going on at the time. I am scared I burnt some bridges to some people who I really enjoy spending time with. I get that the people I am staying with are super busy, I get it, but I hope I have not totally pissed them off from something in the past that I haven't already apologized for.
Then there is the whole job thing. When I left my job, the HR Director said that now I could go do what I loved doing. Great. What is that exactly? If it is performing, my non-Disney resume is so freaking thin I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I am going to auditions and looking for monolgue material that I like, but it is a battle. In the meantime, what is going to pay my bills? And, even more important, what am I meant to do that will make me happy and not make going into the office a drag???
Did I mention loneliness? Yea, that one is in there too.
I'm sorry to dump on you. I actually don't know if anyone really reads this. But, I needed to talk to someone, so thanks for reading.
In the meantime, I am listening to one of my favorite "pick-me-up" shows -- "The Drowsy Chaperone." Look it up if you haven't heard it, it's great.
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