Thoughts and Whatnot

I haven't written in a while, and am using Times as the font, which is kinda scary, since I hate Times and would rarely if ever use it when I was designing presentations at my old job.

That being said, Hi, how have you been? How are things? What's new with me? Well, I have started my new session at Piven and am loving it. I had to drop the class I had originally signed up for and was not excited about the replacement class until I actually took the first one, and then it was love! Rehearsals start tomorrow for MAME. I am in the ensemble and considering it is my first show in Chicago and in many ways my first musical, I am happy with that and excited to be a sponge and soak everything up.

Yesterday I participated in my first student recital. I wish I could say that I was awesome, but I was ok. I have sung the song better in practice and in class (to me anyway). IDK, it feels like I started too low (a problem when I am nervous) and I forgot a line. I plowed ahead through that tried not to let it affect me. What got to me the most was that the verses, which are normally really strong, felt weak and the trouble spots were stronger. Which is a good thing, but I was so upset at myself. I felt like I let Julia down. Then I realized....I have only been singing with Julia for about 10 weeks (if that). I didn't let anyone down! My stage fright of singing alone was better (my leg did not shake uncontrollably on me), and singing in a recital is WAAY different than singing karaoke, cuz in karaoke it is all just for fun! So I gotta get out there and do more of it to get better at it!!

I do not like the cold weather we have had this year in Chicago and I REALLY hate the gray skies that have hung over the city like a blanket of depression for the past week. All this gray makes me blue and the cold makes me miserable. Sometimes I feel like the Chicago experiment has been a complete failure. I have not succeeded in holding down a job and I feel more alone than I ever did in Orlando. On the plus side, I have a scholarship to a great acting school and am kicking butt there and learning and I have an amazing voice teacher at a price I can afford. AND I am in a show, which is a bonus. My goal is to keep getting cast, so that when MAME ends, the next adventure can begin.

Gonna quote a movie now, just because it seems to sum up what I am feeling pretty well.... "It's like those Monty Python chaps say. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition." Or something like that.... Later all!

Somethings Gotta Give (and it DID!) Auditions 22, 23 & 24

I am a firm believer, now, that rejection in theatre is not personal. It is just that you are not the right fit for whatever reason. And that you can become more well rounded through classes if you cannot get cast.

ANYWAY, Saturday was audition #22 for the Players, Please production of TWO ROOMS. There are 4 roles in this piece, 2 men and 2 women. I looked at a monologue from the show once, so I was a little familiar with it and knew that I did not want to audition for the wife, I wanted to play Ellen, the State Department worker. So I put on a suit, slicked back my hair ala Eurythmics era Annie Lennox and discovered Lombard. The audition was a cold read, so based on the little I knew about the character at this point in the show I made her a bit of a hard ass. They told me they liked it and asked me to read a 3-person scene instead. Not a lot of people seemed to be asked to do that (at least not the day I was there). Soo...I went out, read through that scene and came back in. This takes place a little earlier in the show, so kept the attitude. When we finished they asked me to soften it up a little, like I was talking to a child. Then they told me I reminded them of early Sigourney Weaver! BONUS! So I did the reading and they made sure I had their website for the cast list. Well....it finally came out and I didn't get it. =( But, it is exposure in front of another director, so that is always a good thing.

Sunday night found me finding Wheaton Drama, Inc for their production of OLIVER! All the women had to sing the first verse of "Oom Pah Pah" which is great, but I learned the 3rd because it was more fun. C'mon "Pretty little Sally, goes walkin through the alley, displays her pretty ankles to all of the men. They can see her garters, but not for free and gratis, an inch or two and then she knows when to say when" is so much more fun! So, I of course blanked on the second line. They let me talk to the accompanist and start over. My voice did not seem to sound very good in there, which peeved me off to no end but my voice is a work in progress. ANYWAY, then it was time for the dance portion. Super, super easy routine. Every step repeated for 8 counts. So if a jazz square takes 4 counts, you do it twice! Pony is 2-counts so we will do it 4 times. You get the picture. It was easy and fun and so many people told me how good I did on that that I felt a sense of redemption. AND I was told that my sense of humor was like Allison Janney and I should do her type of roles!! BONUS!

Lastly was Monday's audition out in Chicago Heights for MAME. This was the show I wanted and I wanted to play Vera, the role originated by Bea Arthur on Broadway. Of course, I get lost heading to this audition...which happened when I went to this theatre to audition for RENT. Anyway, I get in, the director tells me that the show is unpaid as I have a lot of experience (what was HE looking at...it is all theme park and workshops with a bad acting teacher). I told him that was fine, I just wanted to participate in the show as I loved it. I sang the 16 bars of "Wherever He Ain't" and then they had me vocalize where they seemed impressed by my low range. Cool. Then to sit until they had me and the other 3 late arrivals go and learn the dance. Dance was easy and fun and non-repeating! Then it was time to read. I was the only person auditioning for Vera who was NOT given notes. Others were told to be drunk or that Vera is a Grande Dame of the stage...and these came after I read. So, I thought I did ok. Eventually they read a list of the people they wanted to stay and I was one of them! OMG!! Then, before we came back in, they told me I could go home. Talk about going for a high high to a low low. I wondered if maybe I should have played it bigger and been told to scale it back, instead of keeping it smaller. I don't know. All I know is that I came home and actually cried for the first time because I wanted this show so bad!

Fast-forward to Tuesday afternoon. I am sitting at home, chillaxin after taking care of some car stuff and my phone rings. It is the director of MAME calling and telling me that, while I have not been cast in a principal role, they would like me to be a part of the Adult Ensemble. What am I going to say, NO!?!?!?? It is a bit of a drive, but other than a church production of JOSEPH.... I have never been in a musical before! HELL YEA I will do it! It will be a learning experience and one that I cannot wait to be a part of!

Well, We Are Up To Audition 21

I don't remember a lot between auditions 16-20, so I cannot give you much info. They all felt like they went really well, but I did not get a callback or anything, so who knows!

Tonite was #21. I was invited to audition for the Village Players of Oak Park. I have auditioned for them 2x before, sent them my resume and headshot and they asked me to schedule a time to come out there. So I did and spent the last week and a half hunting for a dramatic monologue that I liked. It is so much easier for me to find comedic ones I like. I have a backlog of ones I want to work on! Anyway, I finally found one from THE LOVE SONG OF J. ROBERT OPPENHEIMER. It was different from my comedic and I liked it so....

Well, I spent today learning it, breaking it down, finding actions and emotions, memorizing it and just trying to get it on its feet. I feel like I have a lot more work to do on this one, but it felt like I had a strong start today.

I got there almost 55 minutes early, in part because I thought I had a 7:15 when it was actually a 7:45. I used the ladies, put on fresh lipstick and ran through my monologue. Then I went into the room. I did my comedic first and did not get one laugh. That is always a depressing feeling! Next was my dramatic. I thought the comedic was my strongest, so I opened with that. But I got more chuckles in my dramatic than in my comedic. Not sure how to read that one.... But, it is one that I have room to go with, and that is a good thing, right?

I noticed that the director(s) were taking a look at my resume. Is that a good thing or par for the course? Anyone know?? They seemed to take a looong look at it. I don't know. I'm just at the point where I want something positive to come my way.

Last night was #20 at Oakton CC. I did my COMPANY monologue, but angled to the side and trying to keep one point of focus (a change). I really don't know what to think. They asked me to stay and read a side, but it seemed like they did that with everyone. I looked it over, it was for a mom(! I don't feel that old, but whatev...). Read through it a couple of times and went back onstage. I talked it over with the director and her mentor to get an idea of the action and the feeling the character had and then performed it! Who knows what they thought about what I did....

So, now I sit and wait. I have an audition on Saturday that is a cold reading, an audition on Sunday that I have to prepare "Oom Pah Pah" from OLIVER and an audition on Monday for MAME, where my song might be too high for the character I am auditioning for. Busy weekend, maybe something will come out of this. I just have to keep plugging along and trying! Oh, and I also have to look into getting an agent...busy times ahead!

The One Where When Mel Finished the Director Moved Back Into Position #1 (Audition 15)

So, last night I went out to Triton College (don't worry, I had never heard of it either) to audition for their upcoming production of BLEACHER BUMS. I had planned on going to the College of Lake County for ANNE FRANK AND ME, but then I realized it would be driving up to Gurnee and I do enough of that already and decided it was just too far, so off to be a bum! =)

Ok, not really. If there is a show that is more North Side Chicago then this one, I have not heard of it. I prepped my monologue again and did the drive over there to see what was what. Sadly, after looking at the character breakdown, I do not think I am a good fit for ANY of the roles, but I went in anyway. Hey, an audition is an audition, right?

So into the theatre I go, get the waving introduction to the director, and up onto stage where I promptly mess up the 2nd line of my monologue. After taking a moment to refocus, I restart. Every time I do it, I have noticed things are slightly different as the character starts to gel more for me. This time it went very well and I was really into the moment, seeing the cocoon on the ledge and later, the injured butterfly. (Is that method of me? I don't know). I heard a chuckle when I was doing it but really did not focus on the director.

When I was done, I looked at him and he had gone from sitting straight in the chair to leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. Is this a good sign? I don't know, but I take it as a sign that I captured his attention. Maybe I should have looked at his face. He told me he loved the show my monologue was from and asked if it was April's, to which I replied positively. He then thanked me and told me that callbacks would be on Saturday and I would be contacted on Friday (2nd day of auditions is today, Thursday).

What did I learn from this go round? That it is ok to start over in an audition if you flub and get flustered, whilst taking the time to refocus yourself so you can move forward with a positive energy. Keep your fingers crossed that I can pick up my new headshots tonite so that I can get them printed and start using them!!

The One Where Mel Gets Asked to Stay and Read Sides (Audition 15)

Woot Woot!

Ok, so I went to audition for a new theatre company in Chicago last night. The show is ANTON IN SHOWBUSINESS and the audition asked you to prepare a 2 minute comedic monologue. So, I brushed off April's monologue from COMPANY and went in. Still need to pick up my new headshots so I can get prints, but all is well.

Anyway, I get there and check in and since I did not have a headshot (I am out of my old ones) the person behind the desk "drew" a picture of me. Needless to say, for me, that set the tone of ridiculousness for the evening. When I was finally called in, I know I started out being really silly. I was wearing my GREAT Kabuki hat cuz my hair was going crazy earlier. Anyway, I'm riffing on random things then after a couple of minutes of playing with the director, I center myself and start my monologue. Unlike the last time I did it, this time I got a chuckle at the end. I know it still needs more polishing, but a laugh is a step in the right direction. Anyway, she tells me to read the sides for ACTRESS #1 (yea, I am asked to stay and read sides after watching about 6 actresses leave without being asked). She tells me to ignore the Kate side because she saw enough of that in my monologue and to focus on the other 2. Ok, no problem!

While I am out in the lobby going over my sides, I am asked to switch from Actress #1 to T-ANNE who is the stage manager, a comically racist black director, the arts fund manager for a cigarette company and a couple other roles. T-Anne has the opening monologue which talks about the state of regional theatre in America. It was awesome. I then combined a bunch of mannerisms for the director and pulled that out. I THINK I included a couple of "Oh no you dinnt" head motions in there. What is cool is that about 1/2 way through, the assistant was supposed to feed me a line, but she was silent, so when I looked over at her, her script was closed and she was just watching. I DID have the Multiculturalism orgasm on stage though...if you are going to do it, do it well and loud! =) Sadly, they did not have me pull out a Texas twang for Don the cigarette company financeer. When I finished I was told that I should hear something by Monday.

So that is how my audition went. It FELT like it went really well, I got some laughs and I got their attention in a positive way. Will it lead to a casting? Well, who knows in this business but it was a good audition experience for me, and really, isn't that what it is about at this point in time??

The One Where Mel Gets Hurt (Audition 14)

I really wish I had good news to report, like getting a callback or actually booking a role, but alas, the search continues. Such is the life of a new actress. On that note, if anyone knows of a book or a way I can learn more theatre history, I am looking for info to expand my knowledge base.

Friday was an audition for the Rising Stars Theatre Company's production of "The Music Man." I am still trying to decide if it is better to go on the first day or the last day of an audition. Any suggestions? This was the first day of the adult audition because I could not make it to Sunday's day 2.

Anyway, they did the dance portion first, which is odd, because normally the dance portion is last. But that is ok, it was fun. I really wonder how I look when I dance. Anyway, we learned the routine, then they had us learn a variation on a grapevine. Then they asked if any of the ladies was willing to do 2 chenay (I know I spelled it wrong) turns into a cartwheel. I can do a left cartwheel just fine, the right was rough, but so was everyones. It did not help my shirt flew up, exposing my bra. Oops. Then they wanted to see the ladies do a lift. Uhm, can I pass on that one? I mean, I am as tall as the tallest of the 2 guys that was there. But Val, the choreographer said if Cyd Charisse could do lifts and be tall, then so could I. Needless to say, Cyd Charisse was 5'7" tall, while I clock in somewhere in the vicinity of 6'0". But I gamely went up to do it. Well, I turn in, put my arm around my partners shoulders, kick and as we are going around we both hear this loud "POP" come from my left shoulder. It stings a bit, but it is moving so it is not dislocated, so I don't draw any extra attention to it then what has already been given. We then had to dance the Cakewalk, and she partnered me with the lighting designer who was there as a partner, who was waaay shorter than me, and in 2 people forgot she had me go! After that, we were done sooner than expected and silly me started making nice. Maybe that is my downfall, I talk to people (including the choreographers and auditors) not asking how I did, but their experience with the group and what they like.

Finally it was on to the next room. UGH, all I am going to say is UGH! How mean is it to give Alto's a song for Soprano's...and high Soprano's at that! They made us all sing "Til There Was You"...the part at the very end that was harmony between Marion and Harold. So the guys had it good. But, I'm an Alto with some Mezzo notes and the top notes for this song were waaaaay outta my range. But we practiced it about 4 times before we had to sing it. Two couples went and then it was my turn. I said there was no way I could hit most of those notes, because I am an Alto and asked if they had it transposed or a different song I could sing. They had it transposed and I got to hear it 2x before I got to sing it. The first time, I messed up on the last note and a note in between. Second time, I got it. I'm not going to say I nailed it because I did not get a callback, but I am happy with how I did with the time I was given.

Lastly we were asked to line up in 2 lines and one line had to take a line from the script (on a sheet of paper) and a way to read it and deliver the line and the other persons job was to react or not. This part was fun. I had "Super Sarcastic" and "Deep South" as my to line deliveries. Oh, it was a blast!!!

Granted, the next day my shoulder hurt like a son-of-a and I am pretty sure I popped a tendon cuz it STILL hurts (it is Monday), but I had a good time. Now, if I could maybe PLEASE see a positive result of all these auditions, I would be in 7th Heaven......

All of....THIS...makes me stronger....

I have to keep reminding myself that an actors life is one of getting rejected before you finally get a foot in. And hopefully, once I get a foot in somewhere in town, it will open up other opportunities. And that I have really only been serious about seriously pursuing this for 3 months, which in the grand scheme of things is not very long.

But, wouldn't it be nice to at least get an ENSEMBLE part to make it all worth it??

Thursday night, I was out walking a friends dog and came back to a message on my phone asking me to call XXX from XYZ theatre guild. This was the group doing LITTLE SHOP, and I had not been called for a callback and was not really expecting anything because a) I'm not a soprano so not an Audrey and b) I'm not black so not an urchin. But the message made it seem like it was important for me to call him back, so trying not to be too excited I did, only to be told "Thanks for auditioning, but we cannot use you at this time, please audition for us again in the future." Uhm....if that was ALL you were going to tell me, couldn't you have PLEASE done it on the message instead of raising my hopes a wee small bit??

But, not getting that did not hurt because I had found a part I REALLY wanted, that was the first thing that actually felt like a good "fit" to my skills and strengths as a performer. And they told us calls would be Thursday and Friday regarding casting and the vibe I had gotten from the director made it SEEM like they liked what I did. Sooo...I open my e-mail today at work and discover a "Thank You but No" e-mail from them. I know I did good, other people auditioning actually told me so after I read for the character and they did not say much to people.

I have to remember that this is not a knock on me. Maybe I am too tall for the directors vision, someone else may have been better, looked more like the actor cast to be the characters brother, who KNOWS what variable there is. I KNOW I am on the right track though and I KNOW that 13 auditions is not that many in the grand scheme of things. I just want a little verification that I am on the right track and that I do have some talent for my dream.

Ok, I have to go familiarize myself with "Til There Was You" for tonites audition. They are teaching it to us, they do not want us to have it prepared (which is good, cuz it is SO out of my range) and keep hunting and auditioning. I am NOT giving up!!

OH---and my great photographer, Gretchen Kelley, is using my headshot in her online portfolio! Check her out! GretchenKelleyPhotography.com and then look in the headshot gallery. Can you find me by my eyes??

#13 and the fact that I realized some things today.

Today was lucky audition #13. It was in the Equity offices (eep) for the Marriott Theatre. They had the Equity call yesterday and today was the non-Equity call. Once again, I ran into someone I had met at a previous audition who was cast in the show we auditioned for. Oh well, this IS only my 13th audition after all. I came in and they noticed I was nervous and told me not to be. I tried, but my voice is a little tired from singing "Losing My Mind" as many times as I have over the past 3 days. So of course, the note that I was stressing over was a bit...off...and of course I reached for my throat like an idiot. I was soft at the beginning, but at the key change I let it rip a bit, once again, not as much as I have in the past. All in all, it was a good experience, I cannot tell you what I am taking from it other than to make sure I do a very good warm-up before leaving my house, especially if I don't drive and do it in the car. And to not over think.

In other things, I realized as I was walking today that this is really the first time I have really buckled down to pursue my dream. In college I did not have the confidence in myself and let certain family members talk me out of studying it and doing something a bit more practical. Then in Orlando, I started to go on some auditions and made a slight attempt at getting an agent and taking classes, but I was focused on getting my degree and when I worked at Disney, I mostly worked nights, so I used that as an excuse to not do more than a few general auditions. In the past, what, 2 months (?) I have been on 13 auditions. 13! I have had new headshots taken, I am sending thank you cards out to every director I audition for within 24 hours of the audition and I am taking voice and acting lessons and taking them seriously. I am actively looking for dance classes that I can afford that fit into my schedule. I WANT to, nay, NEED to do this!! And while I have yet to be cast in anything, which I could let bring me down based on the people I know who have been cast their first time out, I have to remember different markets, different bodies, different experiences and let it go at that. I do know that my voice is stronger, I am getting better at cold readings and my nerves come and go.

Finally, I know it is bad to want, but more than any other audition I have been on, I really hope to be cast in the one I went on last night. It is one of my favorite books of all time and I have 2 versions of it on DVD. I don't want to hope too much, but it would be grand....

Auditions 11 and 12

What a morning and what a super fun day!

This morning I had an audition at Lou Conti dance studios. Have I mentioned that I believe THIS is where I want to take dance classes?? Anyway, the tour was for a company that does non-Equity tours and they were casting for 2 new tours and replacements for what they currently have out there...even though only one of the new tours was announced to get talent. So I ELevate my happy bottom there and am #132! Full house today people!! I find an isolated corner to do my vocal warm-ups and patiently await my turn. While sitting there, I see the choreographer from last night's audition and take a moment to tell him that his audition routine was a lot of fun! I really enjoyed it, especially once I got it (mostly) down! Then back to my corner. Finally it is time to get in line. I am hoping the highest note of the song is there for me as I am feeling a bit congested in the chest and rough in the throat. I go in and sing it, hitting a familiar rough patch in tempo with piano, but I think I figured it out for the next audition and hit the note. It seemed I hit it anyway. After I finish, the casting director asks me to wait a second and leaves the room. The auditor doesn't know if I am done or not so I get my music and wait in a confused state. She finally tells me that he is not feeling well and I am done for the day and that I did a great job. Those were her exact words "You did a great job." It made me feel really good! It was also cool that I ran into some people from the last RENT audition I did who were cast and able to tell me some of the cast. It was kind of cool to be able to recognize a couple of faces!

I had a break between that audition and the next one, so I thought I would walk to the main library in Chicago and browse the stacks. I know, I am SUCH a nerd! Except, for some reason, the library was closed. BOO!! So, home to chill.

Then it was off to my 2nd audition of the day and my 4th in 2 days! This time I was headed out to Elmhurst, another church basement, and an audition for Pride & Prejudice! I am a bit shocked. They are doing 3 days of auditions, had around 20 people there (mostly girls trying out for Lizzie) and they are NOT doing callbacks! WTH!! I would have thought they would have liked to see the Lizzie/Darcy's and Mr and Mrs Bennet's and other combinations in person before casting and comparing apples to apples (lizzie finalists to lizzie finalists) before the final casting is done, but ....

I was not down there for Lizzie, although I did have fun when asked to read a scene as Jane. I am so not a Jane, but it was fun to play! No, I went down there for Miss Caroline Bingley. And I had fun reading here. It was a LOOONG audition though, because they combined almost everyone for the different scenes. So all the young guys had to read Darcy and Mr. Collins with a girl (3 guys total). The gentleman there for Mr. Bennet had to read with the 5 women there for Mrs. and Lady Catherine. I asked to read Lady Catherine because I thought I could bring something the other ladies (who almost all read it exactly the same) could not. I threw in Maleficent's haughtiness and manner of looking down the nose into it. It was fun and I got a couple of thumbs up.

Who knows if I will get anything out of these. All I know is I tried, worked on my cold reading and singing in front of someone, both skills that I am working on getting better on. And I had FUN!

Is this LITTLE SHOP in the mood for COMPANY?? (Auditions #9 & 10)

Today was the day I have been working toward for 3 weeks, the audition I needed to learn my first ever Sondheim piece for....COMPANY! I saw this show in New Orleans and love it. I realize that I am too young for what I want to play and do not have the voice for the other roles I enjoy, but it doesn't hurt to audition, right?

So, I finish up at the Gluten Free Cooking Expo at 1, put on my audition outfit and makeup and try to find Glen Ellyn. I get out there, the theatre is a tiny, old building and they are redoing the floors upstairs, so we go down to the basement greenroom, they welcome us, tell us the plan and then usher all but the first 5 outside to wait, because there is no place else. We are outside about 45 minutes and the heavens open up. Thankfully, a couple people brought their cars around, so I go and wait my turn in one of them. I'm in the 3rd group of 5, so I go in and am the 2nd person to sing. My song is "Losing My Mind" from Follies. It felt like I did really good. I might have had a rough note and I know my tempo was probably a bit off, but to me, it seems like this song is really about the feel and the emotion. I did my best dang it!! After everyone sang, they brought us in to read and I was asked to read for Kathy. Cool, don't think I could sing her song, but lets do her lines! It felt good to me. Lastly was a dance combination, that I got and I thought I did ok on. We finished, thank yous were said and I was off.

On to Oak Lawn for LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS. I really do not think that there is anything in this show for me, but I was going to go audition anyway. First off, they auditioned for this show in a church. I was checking to make sure I wasn't gonna get hit! Second, wrong song for the accompanist. It didn't sound pretty at all! It didn't help that the piano was SERIOUSLY out of tune and I need to hear something approximating my pitches to be on sooo..... Then it was sitting around listening to the rest of the auditionees sing before they sent us off to learn the routine, which was super cute and super fun! While we were learning the routine, they would call people in to read sides. I was called in with 3 other girls and asked to flip between the 3 urchins and Audrey....so we read the scene 4 times! It was fun to do it and even though I am not young and black, I thought I did a good job! And the dance was a blast to actually do, once my feet got it down!

Came home and when I checked my Google Mail, the "Thank You, but NO" note from the group doing COMPANY was already in my inbox. *sigh*

Ok, I have good and bad from each, REALLY need more time with this song and I need an uptempo...and dance lessons! On the other hand, my acting feels like it is getting stronger and I am hearing the good in my voice when singing. Focus on the positives!!!

Spring Awakening

Growing up with musicals starting and ending with a production number of some sort, when something does not do either, you sit up and take notice. Spring Awakening is one of those shows that demand your attention, both in how it is staged and the shows structure. You know a show has touched you when you are thinking about it 3 hours later.

The show opens with the teenage character Wendla (Christy Altomare) standing on a chair in her undergarments (it is set in the 1890's gents, so get your mind outta the gutter) singing "Mama Who Bore Me". The song, and the choreography, tell you that she does not know much about the changes going on inside of her or about sex. The next scene heightens that, when her mother tells her that a stork has brought her sister a 2nd child and Wendala asks her mother (Angela Reed, deptly portraying all of the Adult Women) to tell her where babies REALLY come from, and she cannot. All of the girls come out and reprise "Mama Who Bore Me" but this time all of the angst and frustration is poured into it. My eye was caught by one young actress and her passion, that I noticed in future scenes when she was not there with the other girls. The actress playing Ilse (Steffi D) has a very strong magnetism and does a great job in this role.

Seriously, I could go on and on and tell you the plot and all of that, but....that's what Wikipedia and the internet is for! This show dealt with sexual awareness, masturbation, wet dreams, suicide, abuse, parental sexual abuse, abortion, homosexuality....I mean, is it any wonder that my brain is spinning?? And instead of ending with a bang, it ended with a whisper. Haunting you, challenging you to forget what you saw.

The cast was good, but surprisingly, I felt the supporting cast was stronger than the leads. Along with Steffi D and Angela Reed, Blake Bashoff as Moritz stood out and the moment when Henry Stram as The Adult Men broke down, my heart just about broke open. I also LOVED Sarah Hunt as Martha. Maybe it was because she towered over the other girls, or watching her wipe her eyes when she was sitting on the side after "The Dark I Know Well" but I LOVED HER!

The stage was AWESOME, with different pictures and set pieces on the wall lit up to show the different rooms that the scene was taking place in. The set pieces themselves were minimal, but perfect. The lighting was brilliant and I see why it won a TONY award. I just hate that sometimes the tech theatre geek in me wanted to figure out things and let part of my brain detach to do so.

Totally awesome, so worth the money and the time and still haunting me. SPRING AWAKENING is a must see if it comes near you!

Only reason I say just about is because

Audition #8 or I Want To Play Mean Green

Today I had a choice between 3 auditions, and there was no way I could have hit them all up, so I had to choose. The straight play in Oak Park was shot down because I do not have 2 monologues ready to go right now, but I think I found a 2nd one today.

The 2nd option was MAN OF LA MANCHA in Downers Grove and option 3 was WIZARD of OZ in Highland Park. After looking at the distance to each and realizing that to get to Downers Grove I would have to pay tolls, Highland Park and WIZARD won.

So I headed out there, wearing green and black, and it was closer than I thought. I was #19 (they only had 20 ppl tonite) and they brought 8 of us into the room. First time doing an audition with people other than the casting directors in the room. I was the last one, and after awhile I felt short of breath and like I was forgetting my lyrics. Oh--I was singing "Not That Girl" again. My Sondheim song is not audition ready yet. Anyway -- I was the last one to go and I joked that I was foreshadowing what I was auditioning for by my choice of song and wardrobe selection. I took a deep breath and started. I don't think my nerves showed, I HOPE they did not, but I knew as the song went on my right leg started shaking and I was so focused on my singing that I was not going to waste any energy trying to get it to stop. Oh, and it was the best audition with that song I have done so far!

I got done and then they started calling people up to read. An older woman got up to read with one of the girls auditioning for Dorthy and they had her do Aunt Em and then they switched to someone to play Glinda and she did Big Green. Well, she did the stereotypical "Witch" (rough voice, hunched over). Surprise, surprise, I was next. I was not going to do the same thing...what would be the point, they already saw that. So, I pulled myself up to my full 6'0", realized that I was towering over Glinda....and then combined Maleficent with the White Witch from Narnia (Tilda Swinton's amazing performance). I kept my voice, and played with levels in my voice...switching between being cajoling and calm to being a little bit meaner and harsher...but not making the tone of my voice raspy or harsh. I really don't know how that part went...it felt pretty good, but...

Finally it was the dance portion of the audition. The music was on a tape (!), so there was not an accurate cuing system and it was to the "jitterbug" number. Ok, it was fun!! I struggled with some of the transitions because they felt a little awkward to me, but I think I did ok.

So now I wait. If they have callbacks, they will be on Thursday and the cast list is available via call-in on Saturday afternoon. I'm not going to dwell on it, cuz I have 2 auditions on Sunday and a couple more on Monday.

Just keep auditioning and see you in the footlights!

Oh, What a Week!!!! (and Audition 7)

I am really trying to figure out where to begin with this week. It is Thursday and it has been a week....and I got some great news today and I can't think of anyone I want to call to tell, but I want to call SOMEONE! Hope whomever reads this blog does not mind that I tell you!

Monday was super crazy at work, with showing after showing and the phone not being quiet! I hope many of the people I showed all week come back to sign, but, I don't push them cuz where you live for a year is really based on how the space speaks to you. Oooh....that was kind of deep. The crazy-hectic-ness was followed by a trip back out to Oak Park to audition for the Village Players again, this time for a non-singing show--"You Can't Take It With You." I found a monologue I like but for some reason the words did not want to come into my body, no matter how much I worked on it. I finally got them on the drive to the audition and thankfully I was early so I could run it several times before I auditioned. I have read this play and I would have loved to have been a part of it, but I still need to work on my auditioning skills, so......it was fun! I also ran into someone from my Disney past, which was cool. This guy came out of "Sunday In The Park" rehearsals and looks at me and goes "Mel!?!?? I used to be your roommate in Orlando." Yea, I had to have him identify myself cuz I so totally could not ID him, but WOW. He was dating one of my roommates at one point in time and after he graduated, he ended up in Chicago. For some reason "It's a Small World" kept running through my head after that! =)

Tuesday was my last class of the summer session at the Piven Theatre Workshop. I have loved taking class from Bernie and it has been such an eye-opening experience working with him. I want to take everything I have learned from this level 1 class and use it and grow and become that much better of a performer! Of course, the day could not be without its drama. I have had someone that I met at an audition staying with me the beginning of the week and when I dropped her off at my place of employment today I told her that if she got done with her friends and wanted to go to class with me, to meet me at work. At 6:45, when I was done with work, I check my phone and she told me that she was waiting at my apartment building. (I don't know her from Sam, so I did not give her apartment keys). Well..it was my LAST CLASS and I was NOT going to be late! I am trying to stay on scholarship there and hopefully go from 50% to a 75% or 100% scholarship for the fall term, so being late was not an option and if I went home to pick her up I would have been SOOO late! So I told her to go hang at the library and BORDERS and whatnot and I would be home around 11pm. Was it a bit mean? Probably. But she had stayed with me about 2 weeks ago and made me late for that class when she was not where she said she would be when she said she would be there. I learn from my mistakes. OHOHOHOHOHOH---fyi, she came to town with NO MONEY and A NON-WORKING CELL PHONE! Can you understand why there were issues??

Wednesday, man I am trying to remember Wednesday. The morning started out calm at work, but the afternoon was hella-crazy busy. And full of silly-stupid people. One guy brought his 5 sons (5!!!!!!!!!) to look at a studio apartment for 1 of them! OMG!!! And I probably spent an hour 45 with another guy between 2 appointments--if he does not rent from us, I am going to be peeved!!! Oh, and I learned that ferrets poo in corners and that large piles of it STINK!! Why do people not clean up after their pets??????

Thursday was a sloooooow day at work. Like super super slow. Made me wonder what was up. Had my voice lesson, LOVE my voice teacher. She has given me some pretty cool assignments to help me dig into the song I am singing ("Losing My Mind" from FOLLIES) and I love every lesson. She makes me want to work harder to get better and I am hearing a difference in my voice already. It is not constant yet, but it is getting there.

The big news happened when I got home. I opened my mailbox and found this letter:

"Dear Melissa,

Congratulations! This letter serves as confirmation that the Board of Directors of the Piven Theater Workshop has granted you a 100% scholarship to be applied towards one class per session for the 09-10 fiscal year.

Your scholarship includes a commitment of 10 hours of work (that's it??), outside of your class, for the Workshop. This could include assisting in the class you will be taking, ushering for productions, mailings, etc.

(paragraph about how to register)

We are pleased that you have chosen to study at the Piven Theater Workshop and we look forward to building a relationship with you."

OMFG!!!! Ok, I have been debating the last couple of weeks if I was doing the right thing, if people were blowing smoke up my ass about my talent, if I was crazy to think I could do this, being a bit depressed cuz I have not been cast yet (I know, the number of auditions is REALLY low, but sometimes you want to see results). My voice lesson today and this letter totally confirmed everything!!!! Sometimes fate aligns just right and you are actually in the right place at the right time for once.

Ebb and Flow

I'm sorry, this probably is not going to be the most fun blog today. But see, the thing is, I don't really have anyone to talk to about what I am thinking. I feel that I have to wear different masks when interacting with different people and I cannot let them drop, not even to my family. With this person I have to be fun and playful, with that one I am their to offer support, with another I am a "big sister" figure and with others I am that random person on the periphery that they say "HI" to once in a while. But I feel like I don't really have anyone that I can share with. So my blog will have to do.

2 years ago I moved to Chicago to "grow up." I had decided that it was time that I had an adult job, earning real money and making a move to have a career. I LOVE(d) performing at Disney, but 2 knee surgeries and various aches and pains later, thought that I could not do it forever and that I needed to move on. Those who know me, know all of the details of the move and the whys and wherefores, so I am not going to rehash them here.

Thing is, I have tried 2 adult jobs and been fired from both of them. The HR Director at my last job told me that now I could go follow my passion and do what I love. Bt I don't have a lot of non-theme park experience in what I love, I am running out of money, earning LESS than I did at Disney, the city of Chicago is draining my money because of stupid reasons (forgetting to get a new city sticker, then ticketing me the day I go buy the new one, being parked on the wrong side of the street on sweeping day cuz there was not a sign near where I parked, etc), and I am frustrated, tired and working my way toward depression.

YES, I have another part-time job leasing apartments. It pays $8/hr plus a set commission on anything I rent, so it will help. But when you go from earning $14/hr to $8 and full-time with benefits to part-time with none, it hurts.

I know myself and I know the signs. I am prepping for a BUNCH of auditions in August and staying positive on that one, but with the rest of my life I feel the big chasm of depression starting to open up and I do not know how to fight it or how much strength I have TO fight it. Granted, I say that now, but knowing me, once I start really sliding I will find a way to pick myself up and fight on and get out.

But do I take a year and try to really break into performing, or do I go after the jobs that will pay the money I need to pay off my student loan debt and live comfortably? And why is it an either/or situation? Oh, I am so confused and lost.

Photo Shoot!

Today was headshot day!! Woo Hoo! I finally got to meet Gretchen Kelley and have new headshots taken. Gretchen is a graduate of UM-Bozeman who moved here about a year ago from St. Paul and works with natural light. The price was totally right for me and I had so much fun!

I came in wearing my tan sweater, jeans and brown knee-high boots. We talked and laughed over the fact that I brought about 6 changes of clothing and a suitcase full of shoes, make-up and a portable curling iron. We went through the options and then she told me that she really liked what I had on and that would be a good place to start. She asked if I minded sitting in front of her big windows on a window box and I didn't. Now, her apartment was a mess, but they just moved over the weekend, so I was not going to complain. Anyway...we took a bunch of shots on the window box and then she pulled up a chair and I sat on it a couple of different ways while she took photos. We talked about how I wanted to have 2 good headshots showing 2 different moods and one silly picture that I could use as a postcard.

Then we go to the next outfit and I put on my eggplant cowl neck sweater and went outside. Took a bunch of photos on her stoop, then walked a bit to an alley where we took some in a doorway and on a safety rail until we got annoyed by the EL. Back to her place where the real fun began!

Back at her place I put on my New Orleans Green Dress. I LOVE this dress and need a little underskirt to poof it out a bit. I pulled the sides of my hair back and away we went. We took some pictures on her stairwell, which had a skylight right over the top and while I was taking "headshot-esque" photos I was pulling Betty Boop poses and other silly faces. Gretchen made a comment that I loved. She told me that with my dress, my haircolor and my attitude I reminded her of Lucille Ball. I'll take it! After the stairwell we went outside and just started wandering. We found a pretty entranceway and she took some shots there. Walked a bit further and she had just said that if I saw something I liked I was free to play. Well, there was an iron gate swinging and I jumped on it! So that was the start of the silly, fun pictures (with some head/shoulder headshot photos thrown in). Further down the block we found a cool graffitti wall and both decided the contrast would be great. Found a really cool sign, but couldn't figure out what to do with the background, so we bypassed that idea. Found a pretty curbside garden with a ton of flowers and daisies and of course, I went into it for pictures. I started playing the "He Loves Me" without pulling any petals off, which she got and loved, then I decided to pick one off and do it for real. I started slow, then flew threw because I had an idea for the last 2 petals. I did the He Loves Me and then the He Loves Me Not and had her cracking up. AWESOME! Finally, we were heading back and I found a soccer net and I totally went into it and started playing. =)

I think we are going to have a LOT to choose from. She is only going to give me the 25 best on a disc ( =( ), and then will clean up 2 of them and prep them for printing. I am really excited about them and how they turned out!

Audition #6 aka Good God in Heaven, How Many Local Groups are Putting on Rent this Year???

So, last night was another audition in another town. Yes, I was cuing some EVITA in my head when I typed that, where did that come from???

Anyway, The Drama Group in Chicago Heights had auditions Thursday night and I figured "what the hey!" Let me first say that I had NO CLUE where Chicago Heights was and the good folks at Google Maps, which is usually a trusted friend, completely failed me this time. FYI, Chicago Heights is a southern suburb, it might be south-west, but I am not that geographically gifted. Anyway, I was told to get on IL-394, which I never saw....instead I stayed on 57 and hoped I would see a sign for one of the roads I was told to get off on. After seeing cornfields, I decided I needed to get my happy, citified bottom off of the highway and into a service station for directions. Thankfully, the guy behind the counter had a clue where I was going and got me there very easily! So, I ended up at The Drama Group for my audition.

What a crowd! There were 3x as many people for this audition as there were for the last one. In all, they auditioned 79 people for 20 parts between two nights of auditions. It was a good crowd, everyone was really friendly and I met some really cool people whilst waiting for my turn to audition. I kind of started to feel bad for the director and others in the audition room, because you HAD to sing a song from the show. Well, Maureen and Joanne really only have one number for the girls to choose from, so "Take Me or Leave Me" was heard multiple times, and yes, that is what I sang (Joanne's part). Next time I audition for this show I am going to HUNT for a copy of the score so I can do "We're OK", just to be different!

I am not going to lie, somehow I allowed myself to get a little bit psyched out. I was hoping and praying I could remember my first note and got a little nervous. Went in, spoke to Mark, the accompanist, said hello to the panel at the table and started. I just let myself belt that sucker out. According to Stephanie (later on her), I sounded good and she could hear me through the door! When I finished, they asked me what a "Reindeer Swing" was (from Disney) and how tall I was. I was the tallest freaking person there last night! They asked all of us to say so they could see us all in a line-up and form stage pictures.

When they finished with the stage pictures they asked 3 girls and a couple of guys to stick around. They paired Steph with each of the girls to do the duet portion of "Take Me or Leave Me." Steph played Joanne in her High Schools production of RENT and knocked it out, the 2 girls were a little weak, but had potential. The guys were kept to do "I'll Cover You".

Steph came in for Kenosha, WISCONSIN (she crazy) for the audition. She is starting Columbia in the fall and I offered to give her a ride to the train station, and then said, how about if I just take you to Union Station so you don't have to stand on the train platform by yourself at 11pm. OMG, we hit it off! I had her laughing so hard, it was great. She kept telling me that I am so getting cast because I had a rich, soulful voice that she would kill to have. Uhm..... ok?? I am not counting my chickens or anything like that, but it was nice to have someone boost me, cuz I don't know how I really sound when I sing. I know I let the director know that I would be honored to have any part in the show.

Anyway, it was fun, I learned that I need to keep my confidence level up at auditions and not let myself get psyched out by others and that I cannot get in my head when my brain wants to forget the lyrics so that I reach the point where I look ABOVE the directors head and don't quite act out the lyrics.

Audition #5 aka Rent Redux

I am a couple days late posting the recap, but in the excitement of prepping for my weekend in New Orleans I haven't had time or the desire to update on my last audition.

Tuesday saw me heading to Winnetka (northern suburb) for my audition. It was the first time I had seen Joanne listed as an Alto (the last call and the next were Mezzo), but as always, I just wanted the experience. Especially since the sheet music for my "rock" song did not come in until about 3 that afternoon! Oh, the song was "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant which is one of my favorite to sing. But what I did not like was getting it so late so I couldn't go to Old Town and at least plunk out the melody on the piano. So, the first time I heard it on piano was when the accompanist played it.

Anyway, I Google mapped my way and set out for the foreign environs of ... Winnetka. Ok, the audition was in this BEAUTIFUL old building! I get in and do the one thing I probably shouldn't have but a group of us just started talking and normally that might have psyched me out, but it actually relaxed me. Not going to make a habit of it, but it was fun.

Well, I get called into the room, which was HUGE!! Walk to the accompanist and give him my 2 pieces of music. I give him the ballad first which would be my 2nd song (Not That Girl from WICKED) and he does the tempo check like his house was on fire! I told him to slow it down to music box speed and start singing a bit with him. Then I hand him Wonder, which he plays slow. OY! Through singing through a bit of it, leading him through the repeats and coda's and helping him figure out the roadmap of the piece, I walk to the mark.

I came in with heels on, but I said "If you don't mind, I am going to go from a really impressive height to a not-quite-as-impressive-but-still-pretty-impressive height" before kicking them off. At this point I sing Wonder and it was ok. I am going to chalk the not good parts of it to the fact that I have only sung it to the CD. I get done and I am asked to pick a phrase and sing it full out. So I took a deep breath and just let it go. That felt so good. Then they thanked me and I went to change for the dance portion.

For the dance I am starting off by thanking Disney for teaching me how to pick up basic choreography really quick and then perform it. They took 8 of us in and we learned 8 8-counts. And then had what seemed like an hour to go over the routine, which gave lots of time to ask questions and get stuff down. When the director finally came in, they split the room in half to perform it and I was in the second group. I made a couple of minor mistakes that I KNEW I would correct when they had us run it again (first group ran it twice), but they said "Thank You" after one go round. *sigh* Well, the choreographer HAD watched us run it for an hour, so she knows what we can do. And, they put my info second from the top, right under the best male dancer in the room, so that is a positive, right??

One thing I really got out of this is that I chatter when I nervous. Not always a bad thing, but in the future I am going to work on doing a little less of it. Also, keep working on the music with a piano. But, all in all, it was another positive audition and I got something else out of it.

I've been feeling a little Blue.

Everything is finally catching up to me and I am going to admit here that I am feeling more than a little blue. When I talk to people online they ask me, "What's this I hear about you being depressed?" And I brush it off like it is something I am over because I don't want to trouble them with it. But the truth of the matter is, I am depressed. I HATE the fact that I have no one to go out with here in Chicago or that I hold people at arm's length. I have been this way for so long it is part of my personality and I just don't know how to undo it.

I am scared over going to New Orleans. My last experience there was not the most shining example of me at my best due to some personal drama that was going on at the time. I am scared I burnt some bridges to some people who I really enjoy spending time with. I get that the people I am staying with are super busy, I get it, but I hope I have not totally pissed them off from something in the past that I haven't already apologized for.

Then there is the whole job thing. When I left my job, the HR Director said that now I could go do what I loved doing. Great. What is that exactly? If it is performing, my non-Disney resume is so freaking thin I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I am going to auditions and looking for monolgue material that I like, but it is a battle. In the meantime, what is going to pay my bills? And, even more important, what am I meant to do that will make me happy and not make going into the office a drag???

Did I mention loneliness? Yea, that one is in there too.

I'm sorry to dump on you. I actually don't know if anyone really reads this. But, I needed to talk to someone, so thanks for reading.

In the meantime, I am listening to one of my favorite "pick-me-up" shows -- "The Drowsy Chaperone." Look it up if you haven't heard it, it's great.

Audition #4 and Life

Green is my favorite color and today was SUCH a green day! (no, not the band silly. A day in which I was totally happy). Yesterday was such a rough day that I was DETERMINED today would be so much better ("I feel so much better...than before". Sorry, random LB:TM quote). And it was!

First, the audition. Royal Caribbean had auditions at Lou Conte Dance in Chicago today. For those of you who were clueless, like me, that is the Hubbard Street Dance Building on Racine. Gorgeous facility! ANYWAY...today was the dancer audition (pass) and the Improv Actor audition. yesterday was the singer, but I don't even come CLOSE to fitting that one, so I ignored it and just went this afternoon. Well, I get there, get my number (76) and wait with some of the others. Everyone there has been performing around town, many of them knew one another, but I was in there throwing insults and cracking up with them like I belonged. What a great way to start the audition process and get my brain warmed up. Got to say, I miss keeping my chops sharp with the Dramatic Duo...they forced me to be quick on my feet. I am in the first group to go in and they line us up on the red line of death and tell us we are going to do a rant. But not one, continuous rant. Nope, each one of us will have our own that we will continue at any point we want when we are pointed to. My rant? Stupid theme park guests who stand in line for characters without knowing who they are and are not ready to meet them when they get to the front of the line. I know, right?? =) Then we do "Lights Up, Lights Down." Do not even really remember what we had to do, put I know I did the Bend and Snap and almost fell on my ass. Oh well. Then they thanked us and told us to wait.

The second group goes in, we are shooting the shit and whatnot and the facilitator comes back and tells us who they are keeping for the next round. OMG! Did he just say #76? He did! He did just say #76! I made the first cut! Talk about a step in the right direction! But...more improv games. *gulp* And of course, yours truly slightly misunderstands the directions for the first one, and jumps in with an idea and....it was just suppossed to be 2 people. *sigh* He made it sound like they were going to start with 2 and build. That threw me a little. So, the first game we did in this round was _____, where one person was given an activity, had to start a motion and you were to continue it, but come up with new definitions for what it was. I did ok, but I think I was the one to run out of ideas first both times. *sigh* Second game of this round was 4 Corners. 4 of us went up and they rotated us around this square. Each pairing was a different scene. One of mine was the bearded lady and the manager of the boardwalk and the other was a tv producer and the anchor. I thought I did pretty good, I gave them 2 different things and I got a chuckle. Then, back in the room to wait while they deliberated.

And I was not called to read a side. Oh well. Out of the 3 girls, they only kept one and she had a LOT of experience, so.... I am just more than thrilled that I did as good as I did. They did do that whole "just because we are not keeping you does not mean we are not going to use you" spiel, but, I never really believe that one. I am proud of myself for surviving the first cut, having fun and laughing like a loon today. It was AWESOME!

The reason I needed the emotional reset button pushed today is because I have been sliding into a funk these last couple of weeks. If anyone asked, I was fine, because I did not want to burden them and I wanted to keep things light and fun. But, the limited personal contact I have had, combined with the fact that I lost my job, was starting to pull me down. And I was starting to feel it. I posted the lyrics to "For Good" yesterday on my Facebook page, as I wanted people to know how much they meant to me as I was feeling more and more isolated. I thought my voice class would help, but not really. I appreciate my voice teacher pushing me, but when she has the sheet music RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER, you would think she would play something more than just strumming quarter note chords!! I am actively going on auditions, some help and constructive advice would be more than welcome at this point in time. That is, after all, what I am paying you for.

Anyway, it was all starting to bury me and make me feel worse and worse and I could not let it continue any longer. It is not who I am choosing to be anymore. I am stronger and better than that. So, I woke up this morning and went for a jog. Yes, I ran outdoors. I do not know what is more shocking...that I ran not on an elliptical, or that it was outdoors. But, I had to cancel my gym membership and endorphins make you happy, so I was going to get my exercise dagnabit! And I did feel good after! It totally set my day, which included that awesome Audition, finding out for the Apple store that the problem is NOT with my computer *whew*, and seeing UP, which surprise, surprise, I loved!

And now, bed for a Six Flags Karaoke day tomorrow. Where are my earplugs again? =)

Legally Blonde (and late!)

I normally try to post my theatre reviews within a day or two of seeing the show, so that everything is fresh in my head. I have failed this week and I really do not know why, other than unemployed craziness has been getting to me. Which is weird when you think about it, I am unemployed, I should have lots of time to take care of my blog, and yet, I do not. I think I get a failing grade here....

Anyway, last Wednesday (the 27th), I attended the matinee performance of Legally Blonde: The Musical at the Ford Center here in Chicago. I am the first to admit that I scoffed (yes scoffed) when I heard that they were making the movie Legally Blonde into a musical. I mean, like, OMG, give me a break you guys! =)

Then, last spring, I watched the MTV Show "Legally Blonde: The Search for the New Elle Woods." The whole reason I watched is because 2 of my mermaids from Disney were in the first episode. (Last two cut, *tear*). But the audition song they sang "So Much Better" spoke to me and made me curious. Yes, I laughed at some of the songs ("Ohmygod You Guys" being the main one), but as I watched I fell in love with some, loathed others and wanted to know who would win. My favorite did not win, btw. And as I watched, I was wishing I had watched the show when MTV taped it and aired it, deciding that WHEN it came through Chicago, I was going to go see it!

So, being unemployed, I headed my happy ass down to the Ford Center on Wednesday afternoon to see if I could get a cheap ticket. $25 later I was sitting 10th row orchestra, stage right. And seeing Rhiannon (the 4th place finisher) as Margot and Lauren (3rd place) as Elle! I loved Lauren, and not just because she was from Michigan! Rhiannon was offered the role of Margot after she got cut and Lauren was offered the Elle u/s role when she got cut (I believe) and I think they got the better deal, seeing as how the show closed 2 months after the winner went in and they are still out on the road, getting a paycheck, and performing the role they were trying for..or at least in the show!

Anyway, I really enjoyed Legally Blonde: The Musical. It was fun, peppy, good message and just a good distraction from everything that is going on in my life. And isn't that part of the reason we go to the theatre? To step away from the things that are plaguing our life? Everyone did a great job. I wish the sound mix had been a bit better, as it sometimes sounded like the orchestra was playing on top of the actors, which annoyed the hell out of me! I came to hear the songs dammit! But yeah, loved the cast, loved the show, it was exactly what I needed on that day in that moment in time.

Now, if you will forgive me, I need to listen to "Bend and Snap" again. Kyle makes me drool. =)

Sometimes, It is an Ego Boost

As I reported last time, I was let go from my job. While there was a level of frustration at the job, there were many things I enjoyed about it. The freedom to learn and work with other departments. (oh wait, that was one of the reasons given for letting me go, that I was interested in moving to another department because I wanted to learn new skills). Working with CPS and the Game of the Week program. It got my sports fix in and was AWESOME! But mainly, the #1 thing I enjoyed was the people I worked with. I honestly have nothing bad to say about any of them. From the sales staff that I worked with on a day-to-day basis to everyone that I talked with, did things with, and whatnot, I loved working there. It was the first job I had where I did not put up a front and was just me. Granted, there were some aspects of my personality that I kept calm and slightly under wraps (this was an office after all), but I really let the person who I was come out and I did not hide her.

When I left, I contacted some of my former co-workers via LinkedIn and asked if they would mind writing a recommendation for me. I do not know if future employers look at your LinkedIn profile, but I figure it did not help to have the endorsement of the people I supported and worked with. The ones I have received so far have made me feel like the Grinch when his heart swelled. I felt like mine was going to burst out of my chest, I was so touched. While I do not want to share the full text here, these are some of the key words used.

"hard working business professional, strong work ethic, passion for doing the job correctly the first time, creative, one of the BEST assistants I have worked with, an asset, loyal, thorough, compassion, willing to do more, talented, hard worker, positive manner, helpful, created things I was proud to present, hard working (again), detail oriented, goes above and beyond, takes initiative, wonderful work ethic."

See why my heart grew? These were not even people on the team I was paid to support, they were from people who I volunteered to help or who asked me to assist them. I am going to miss each and every one of them.

Doors Close, Windows Open...somewhere

I lost my job today.

Wow, that is an inspiring way to start, isn't it? =) Talk about one of those out-of-left-field, hit you in the solar plexus, knock you on your ass moments. The reason given was that my "skills do not match the direction we want to take the department." Uhm.....ok? I seriously think my direct manager had it in for me and did not like me. Granted, the man NEVER talked to me. I have been after him for 4 months to do my annual review. The one I do the most work has never said anything negative to me, which makes this even more shocking. I do so much for her and she has never had a complaint. Why now? What happened? You have to love those questions. There is no answer, you have to pick up your bootstraps and keep on keeping on.

Here's the thing though. A good number of the AE's, EXCEPT the ones that I was supporting told me that it was BS, that I was the best AE they had, that I made things look and sound more professional, that I always had presentations done ahead of schedule, that ...... Basically, I rocked in their mind. And so many of them offered to put out feelers with agencies that they work with to see if there were any openings. That felt so AWESOME! I have never had anyone cry over my leaving, and that happened today. The one downside, is that I did not have the chance to say goodbye in person to everyone that I wanted to. They want to get you out the door as quietly as possible.

I could be pissed off and negative about all of this. I could. I mean, I have had two "adult" jobs in Chicago and been fired from both of them, which is so crazy as I had not been fired from a job before I moved here. Which is really weird that working in Chicago would get me fired TWICE. But that would be destructive and not help, so why bother. So, I am being a dork and quoting a line from The Sound of Music. "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." Which I do believe. The job I just lost was an open window that introduced me to some great people who really touched my life in a positive way and who I hope to stay in contact with.

But now I have to move forward. I have no idea where I am going to go from here, other than do the happy little march down to the unemployment office on Tuesday. Today will probably be spent going through the box of stuff I removed from my desk. I really kept a lot of shoes hidden under my desk.....

Ok, the tequila is kicking in and I am getting loopy. This is as good a place as any to say, "Always look on the bright side of life".....

Auditions 2 & 3

I was not kidding when I said I am going to do this. I am taking 1/2 hour private voice starting in July, looking for an acting coach and am actively looking for a dance studio to get some ballet and maybe tap under my feet. And, I am actively going on auditions. I am not going in expecting to get anything just yet, but to get used to the audition process again and singing in front of people, which is way different from singing in my car. And I do not count karaoke as singing in front of people, cuz I don't sing, I goof off.

So Monday was audition #2 for the Oak Park Players production of "Sunday in the Park with George." I am going to admit that I have NEVER heard it! But, I want to get out there and audition, so what did I have to lose? I worked on "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked and was prepared to work on it at voice so I could do it with a piano, but that was cancelled last week. Oops. Oh well, I kept working on it and working on it and Monday I felt good! Except I forgot my headshot at home. =( Anyway, I went in, said "hello", told them that it was the first time doing the song with a piano and did really well. I had a couple of slightly sharp notes when I went high, but overall, it was a good performance. The director told me I did very good and as I left the room I thought I heard them say something positive about my tone. Very good experience and had me psyched for today's audition.

Audition #3, a production of "RENT", which I do know. I sang 16 bars from "I'm Not that Girl" and 16 bars from "Out Tonite" and spoke about not being able to say goodbye to my Grandma H when she passed by literal seconds. My neighbor, Emma Frost, came over and helped me work on belting and strengthening my head voice on Tuesday and she also helped me figure out which "RENT" song to sing. Did I oversing today? Did I not warm up enough? I don't know. I do know that I missed the first note of "...Girl" which had not happened in practice or auditions yet and the last note was low. On the upside, the notes that I had problems with before were stronger. "Out Tonite" was a unique beast. I have NEVER heard it with just a piano (hello, I just have the CD's from the movie and show). I did ok, I hit the octave jump pretty well, but it felt....off. Was I trying too hard? I know I am not even in the vocal range for any of the leads, but I wanted the chance to be Mrs. Cohen or Alexi Darling and all of the others those two play. I got a thank you from everyone and I don't think I impressed them at all. Hopefully I did not make a bad impression.

So, what am I taking out of this? 1) REALLY warm up my voice, don't think you have, make sure you have. 2) Confidence. 3) practice with a piano 4) there was some improvement in the fact that the "he could be that boy, but I'm not that girl" did not have sour notes.

Each audition is a chance to be seen and a way to get out there. I have to remind myself that the rejection is in no way personal and that I am not there yet with my voice. Every actor goes through this, and each and every audition is a chance to learn something. I learned that if my voice is scratchy and weird, drink more water and suck on a cough drop, especially when throat coat was not working. AND, I had an improvement over the last one. So, the step forward and the step back met, but the step forward will be the one that will stick. Now I have to look for the next audition! =)

Karaoke

I am not going to lie, I was excited when presented with the option of working karaoke this summer. It would be a way to perform in front of people (which I do not do on my M-F job) and it would be a fun part-time job. And when I went to orientation, I was under the opinion that I would have a decent break schedule.

Well....first lets start with the song selection. Heavy on the teenie bopper, not so much of the things that adults want to sing. No Journey, no Bon Jovi, no Fleetwood Mac...the list goes on and on. But boy, do I have Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, Camp Rock and country.

Second...breaks. *sigh* Boy, do I wish I had show breaks or something. I get 45 minutes from lunch, 10 of which are spent walking to and from the breakroom. If I am LUCKY I get a 15 minute break to go refill my water bottle. I don't get the breaks I thought I would when I signed up for this gig.

Finally, and really the most important...people REALLY do not know how to use microphones. Here is a quick lesson. Microphones were designed to pick up sound waves. They are pretty sensitive. Therefore it is not necessary to YELL AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS into one. I seriously have had pain in my left ear for a week because of this. Hearing loss due to people screaming...so not sexy. =)

Not that I mean to complain, but this has just gotten frustrating since I asked for the last weekend in May off so that I can go to my cousin's baby shower and then go to CP to visit my family for probably the ONLY time this summer...and was told that it probably would not be likely because they did not have anyone else to run karaoke! WTF!!! When the park is open during the week right now and I am not there, a manager who is not on OT or incurring OT, mans karaoke and they do not know if they can free someone up to do it once the park is open 7 days/wk. which it will be the weekend I asked off. Oh, did I mention I gave them a MONTHS notice? Yes, one month.

*sigh* I have to go listen to RENT to figure out 1 minute I can sing for an audition I hope I get a time for. Think Positive Mel, think positive.....

AUDITION!

I DID IT!!!! I went to an actual singing audition! Not only was it a singing audition, it was for Telsey & Company (NY casting agents) who are casting "Spiderman: Turn off the Dark." Yes, the title is more than a little cheesy, and I know, a Spiderman musical? Really!?!?!?? Well, the music/lyrics are by Bono and The Edge and the director is going to be Julie Taymor, so what is the harm in trying, right? Yes, I called in sick to work to do it today, but I have no vacations planned and I have only missed 2 days of work this year (both times I was legitimately ill), so.....

Now, I have had some voice lessons, but not many and most of my recent singing experience has been ye olde karaoke at Six Flags where I average about 3 songs a day. Yes, I was in Joseph... in Florida, but I didn't really sing for the audition, I just told them I wanted to know what I had to do to be considered for Mrs. Potiphar. And then they double cast me as a brother. Egads! No, it was fun and thanks to the E2Y Players for that opportunity. Other than that and random karaoke, my singing in public has been next to nil. So, this was a BIG DEAL!

Thing is (and yes, I am straying from the subject for a minute here)...I always let other people determine my happiness. I want to act, but we cannot afford to send you to acting classes. i want to go to an audition, that's nice, I worked all day and don't feel like spending my evening sitting at a theatre. You know, that kind of thing. And I was encouraged to study something "worthwhile" in college...so I always thought about it, but never DID it and along the way I developed a fear, a literal fear of auditions, where it became a thought that I was going to do so bad, why even bother. Problem with that thinking though is that once you start down that path, you start to believe the BS.

Anyway....so, I got up at my usual time today, took the buses to the dance studio and got in line. Was VERY surprised that at 9:30 I was #102! Yeah, shocking. This is Chicago, shouldn't the lines have been longer? Anyway, I sat, talked to the people who were in line before me, sat, listened to the song I was going to sing on my iPod, peed, listened to my iPod, drank some water, did the few vocal warm-ups I remembered from long ago voice lessons, peed again, read a couple of pages of my book, drank more water, continued the trend until a little after noon they called my name. And yes, they butchered my last name! =)

So, time to join ye olde casting line. We are lined up by number to wait in the hallway outside of the audition room. There are some strong belters in the mix! I am thinking to myself that this is just my opportunity to try, and that this is more for me to do it then to actually be considered for a part. Finally, it is almost my turn and the butterflies arrive. Then the person ahead of me leaves the room and it is my turn.

Taking a deep breath I step across the threshold onto the dance floor, shutting the door with a garbage bag over the window gently and say hello to the male and female sitting at the desk. They ask me what I am going to sing and....my brain freezes. I hear the lyrics, but what is the name of the song?? Finally, I tell them, just as I hit the mark. The gentleman tells me that I can begin when I am ready. Deep breath down through the diaphragm, focus and start "The bravest thing, I've ever done...." We had been told in advance that they were going to cut us off after 16 bars, and I didn't want to be cut off, so I pretty much stopped after 4 lines. I kind of wish I had kept going, especially since they had flipped over my pink cover sheet (we all had pink) and were looking over my resume. That's a good sign, right? I thanked them, and walked out of the room. I might have said something else, but I really, honestly do not remember. Once I stepped out and the girl from Battle Creek went in, I started shaking as I gathered my bag and coat. WOW! I just did a musical audition and I sounded better than I ever have!

I am not expecting to hear anything, but just the fact that I did it makes me feel so happy and accomplished. Now, I should probably find a Broadway-esque song for other musical auditions and maybe a rock song sung by a woman......suggestions?

Ten Thousand Eighty Minutes.

Just does not have the same ring as Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes, but that is pretty much how much time spent from when I sat down to watch Mary Poppins to when I sat down to see RENT.

Some backstory (of course)....I have NEVER seen RENT on stage! When it first came out there was soooo much hype around it that I was not interested. A Tony (ok, that got my interest), a Pulitzer, magazine cover after magazine cover, article after article about the tragedy around it and how great it was all equalled me tuning it out completely. Yes, I heard Seasons of Love, yes, eventually I came to enjoy it, even singing along with it when it played as I walked across Universal Studios on my way in for the day. But I refused to see a non-Equity tour of it, or a tour with American Idol cast-offs. When I had my knee surgery in 2006, my roommate had the DVD of the movie and that is when I first saw it (I think...I do not remember going into theatres to see it, but....it is a possibility). Anyway, that is when I fell in love with the music. I know things got changed for the movie, but it was a good introduction, right? Fast forward to October/November of last year. The show had closed on Broadway and the final performance had been recorded and had a limited theatrical release. I went with one of my co-workers and FELL IN LOVE!! Right then and there I decided that the next time the show came to town I was going to see it!

I loved the staging, the characters, how things felt more fleshed out then in the movie, just loved it. It made sense to me. When we left, I told her "If this EVER comes to Chicago again, I am seeing it!" About a week later, I found out that it was coming with 2 of the Original Broadway Cast members!

Actually, it had 3! Anthony Rapp, Adam Pascall, and Gwen Stewart (Seasons of Love Soloist). OMG!! LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED IT want to go back and see it again!!!! I honestly cannot put into words how much I loved it. While Mary Poppins got me because I loved the movie and the songs as a girl and the cool technical "stuff", Rent got me with its social commentary and story and songs. It was phenomenal! And getting to see it with people who originated the roles just made it even more special.

At the end of the show, Anthony Rapp spoke about Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS and how the money stays in the local community, and for $20 you could get an autographed playbill. Yeah....I had $20 so I got one! Entire cast signed! I also was fortunate to get my photo taken with the actors who played Collins, Benny and Joanne...all of them were fabulous and I loved the entire experience. Seriously, go see this, do not hold hype against shows, for I have learned my lesson.

However, I do have to give my bad. Loved Anthony Rapp, he is so good. But Adam Pascall....I do not know if it was the night I saw him or what, but his voice was so nasally that it started to bother me. Seriously, it was a bit of an annoyance. And he is in the entire show, so it was a bit of a thorn in my side. This is versus Mary Poppins where the entire cast was spot on and practically perfect. Maybe I judge too harshly, but when you listen to the original cast recording to know you can hear how his voice has deteriorated over the years.

Oh, and did I mention that I got my ticket for $30?? And that I was sitting 6th row center orchestra?? Yeah...I am pretty pleased with myself on that one! =)

Step in Time

I am a bit late on this, but the excitement level is still there.

Last Wednesday, the 25th, I had the priviledge of attending opening night of the national tour of Mary Poppins!

Now, if you know me, you know I love musicals, Julie Andrews and musicals! And that Mary is one of my favorites. I was thankful that I had listened to the London cast recording many times before going (most of the melodies are the same, the new songs blend, but I did not like Super the first time I heard it). And, I had heard of some of the technical stage things that were done on Broadway and London from my reading and talking to people who saw it. But this was the tour, they could not do all that...could they??

First off...I had the original Broadway Mary (Ashley Brown) and the original London and Broadway Bert (Gavin Lee). OMG! Both of them were Practically Perfect! Jane and Michael were perfect and Mr. Banks ... fabulous. Mrs. Banks was a little off, but not enough to be a huge distraction and the rest of the supporting cast was on point.

The house is not the same as it has been on Broadway, but that is probably due more to the challenges of getting it in and out of theatres, but what they came up with worked so perfectly. You got an idea of height when the nursery came down.

I was sitting so that I could see the Stage Right wings, and I loved watching people as they prepped for their entrances. I was watching the stage, but catching that out of the corner of my eye. Watching Ashley get prepped (and raised) for her Act 2 entrance was really cool, especially as she calmly hung there until it was time to grab the kite. Watching the techs get Gavin ready for his dance AROUND the proscenium was cool, and I wanted to take that walk. I still don't know how the cop pulled off his quick change in "Jolly" but it was impressive!! And I watched Mary at the end until I could not see her anymore when she exited the stage at the end of Act 2.

The story is closer to the books than to the movie, which actually works very well. The movie felt like a series of incidents, while the play felt like there was more of a story. The entire family was flawed and needed Mary's fixing. And I loved how Bert flirted with Mary and was hopeful. Mary was a bit of a bitch, but she IS practically perfect.

And the dance numbers...oh, the production numbers! I LOVE the fact that they had a HUGE tap number to "Step in Time." Sometimes it feels like tap numbers are going by the wayside....I wish I could tap. And the lyrics to "Anything is Possible" were fantastic! OMG, I had heard the song before, but seeing it on stage and with some of what is going on in my life made it just more poignant. The line that sticks...
"If you reach for the stars, all you get is the stars,
but we found a whole new spin.
If you reach for the heavens, you get the stars thrown in."

Perfect, just like the show was.

Catching Up

Hi. How are you doing? How has life been? Are you comfy? Do you have a beverage handy? Is everything treating you well? I know it has been a while since last we talked. I cannot even really tell you why that is. I know I had been busy for a while with work and then working out, and then the working out slowed down because of injuries, but why haven't I returned to you?

Let's see...what is new? I injured my non-repaired leg. After going in to have it looked at, they think it is just pre-patella bursitis. I'm on anti-inflammatories and no lower body exercise for 2 weeks. No fun, since that is the type of exercise that I love. Upper body tends to bore me. So, I have to figure out what to do as I have a goal to lose 10 pounds in the next 2 months. Oh--I also go to see a Celiac Specialist who recommended some further tests and recommended a dietician who actually knows something!! YEA!

The only other major news I can think of is that this summer will not be so "Wonder"ful after all. No reason given, so I get to play with Karaoke all summer. OYE! Hopefully I do not embarrass myself TOO much! =)

Other than that, I cannot think of anything else that I want to share here. I also do not know how much personal detail I realy want to put on here anymore, so we will see where the content goes from here....

Happy Mardi Gras!

Happy Mardi Gras everyone! As I write this, I can guarantee that Rex has ended and the annual meeting of the courts has finished the interesting part. If you have never experienced watching this with "Uncle" Wayne and the Dramatic Duo you are missing out on a side splitting experience!

It has been a while since I updated, mainly because I worked like a mad fiend last week. We had 4 basketball games last week: one on Sunday, 2 on Wednesday and one more on Sunday. It kept me jumping and I got some ot. But now, the season is over and I am sad because I LOVED it! I am still involved though, because I have to work with the AE's to finish their season recaps. But, not the same. =(

Talk about your weird days. I sent a random text to my ex wishing him a Happy Gras (we met at Gras 2 years ago and we both loved going) and we ended up IM'g for a good chunk of the day. Random. He actually told me that he was married, that he was expecting twins and when they are due. And I was actually ok with it. Ok, I did know, but we talked about a lot of different things and I kept thinking.."I miss him as a friend, but I am SO GLAD to be out of that situation!" That, to me, seems like the biggest improvement/mindset/proof that I am over him.

Today is Mardi Gras and I LOVE Mardi Gras! It was a bit of a bummer not being in New Orleans this year, but I am going to do everything I can to get out there during the year so I can see it when it is not all crazy. Yesterday I ordered a King Cake from a bakery here in town and this morning I picked it up, which meant driving to work! Yea! As much as I love the El, I miss driving. Course, I was running a bit late, so I parked at the meters close to work. I have to say, I was a bit bad and had a small piece of king cake. It wasn't that bad. I have had better and I have had worse, so I chalk that up as a good thing. I had planned for a month to go to Wishbone for red beans for lunch. Well, I get there and since they have red beans on their Mardi Gras dinner buffet, they do not have them for lunch. I ask about something else and that isn't safe for me, so I get up and walk out, bummed that I wasn't going to have something I associate with New Orleans.

Well....I had remembered seeing a Creole hole in the wall during the fall on a walk and I decided to see if I could find it. I did...they had red beans and jumbalaya! OMG..I got more food then I would have gotten at Wishbone for less! It was just spicy enough for me and it was sooo good! Nom, nom nom! The owner brought in some king cakes he had purchased from a different bakery and gave me a slice to take with me. I gave it to one of my co-workers who didn't get some of the one I brought in, and asked him to share it with the HR guy. The HR guy got the baby! Soo...I say, since the piece was served to me, given to co-worker and split that the 3 of us ALL got the baby and split the good luck!

all in all, not a bad day! =)

Thoughts...

It seems like I tend to update my facebook with things that could sound a little whiny or down. And in looking through some of my blogs, this seems to be a depository for the negative thoughts that run through my head. I do not know if this is because I do not really have anyone to talk to about this or what, but I do not like it. Believe it or not, I try to be a very positive person out in public and with people. Or maybe it is my outlet for the random thoughts that run through my head that I want to get out. I do not know, but I am seriously going to work to change that!!

That being said, I have discovered that I have about a 2 year tolerance for life in the office. The one and only time I worked in an office, I was there about 2 years before I got crazy and moved to Orlando. Then it was everything BUT the office. Now, I am nearing my 2 years in Chicago and I cannot handle it anymore! You know, when someone takes time to write something up on how something is to be done...you know you are not meant to be an assistant when your first thought is that it would be so much faster if they just did it themselves!!! Same when you have to call someone for someone. Yea. Right now, the only time I do not mind things is when I am doing stuff for GotW. And that has 3 games left. Uhm...Houston, I think I have a problem here!!

So, I am looking at looking at options. Maybe it is the economy, maybe it is this fear I have of not being able to pay my bills, but I cannot justify leaving my job with nothing else lined up anymore. But at the same time, I signed a contract with Six Flags saying I would work for them through November 1st. Ok, I have NO INTENTION of working their Halloween event, but that still puts us through Labor Day. Either way, it is performance experience for that resume. And I am going to sit down and get my production resume worked on this week/weekend so that is in better shape, cuz I would like to work for ABC, CBS, NBC, or Fox Sports. Or maybe for a venue doing venue management. Or...maybe finally send my resume and head shot in to Feld entertainment and try to get a job going on tour -- maybe see some of the world and pray that my knee holds up.

I just do not think I can work 8 hours straight at a desk anymore.

In other news, I have become addicted to a series of romantic novels. It is sad and it is killing my good reading. I haven't been to a movie in forever (depressing) and most of the time when I watch TV it is days later on the interweb. What the heck is going on with me?

That being said, some of my co-workers just returned from a 10-day tour of the UK (yea, I was jealous) and they brought me back an AWESOME black and white coaster of the rear view of a real man wearing a kilt properly. My hands just want to reach in, grab and squeeze.....

Weekend Update

I feel like such a bad person! I think of things during the week that I want to write about, but by the time I get home from the gym I just want to chill and not think about anything, so it does not get written.

Then again, was it really that exciting a week? Not really. Monday was falling asleep at my desk..to the point I did not even go to the gym but came home and slept. Tues-Friday was do a bit of work at work, but there are not a lot of presentations going out right now, so I am not that busy, which sucks. I am also getting more and more .... disillusioned(?) bored (?) unhappy (?) with my job. It is ok when they are keeping me busy, but......

Saturday we had the Girls Championship game. It was fun, and I enjoyed it but...
--Don't call me to tell me that it is not fair you have to load the van by yourself. I have done it by myself multiple times and I almost always unload it by myself. So....who is it more unfair to?
--Don't call me on your speakerphone and shout at me. I cannot understand you and since I had finally improved my mood from the above, you succeeded in pissing me off again.
--If you are asked to do something, be professional to do it correctly instead of half-assed. I should be able to trust grown-up people to do the job they are asked. That includes hanging client banners. I cannot hang them by myself, you are being paid to be there to help, so do this part of the job.
--If you see I am busy, doing about one hundred different things, and you see something else needs to be done...do it yourself instead of asking me to do it! Especially if you are not doing anything.

I love working the games, I really do. I just get frustrated sometimes by some of the things that go on and the fact that everything that falls outside of someones "job title" (especially when everyone is supposed to pitch in when they see something that needs to be done) gets handed to me to take care of. Which, honestly, I do not mind, but every once in awhile, I get a bit overwhelmed...especially when I start the day a little stressed for some reason.
Yea, I ended up having a stress cry in the stairwell for about 10 seconds.

A friend had recommended that I take some D-3. I was until I ran out. I need to get back out and get more, but I wonder if this is in some way related to my unhappiness.