Photos

I've hinted at it before, but it is a fact of life that my self-perception of how I look does not match up with the way other see me and how my body actually is. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see the things that I like (oooh, some definition in my abs, oooh, a little curve around my ribcage showing an inward indentation of curves), but most of the time I see the things I do not like (thighs that touch, chicken wings). I am the first to admit that the "ideal" image of a woman is in my brain even though I know I would look ill if I was that thin, but to be that toned and thin. I look in the mirror and see the girl in the size 16 jeans weighing around 200 pounds, instead of the woman floating between a size 10 and 12 weighing 179 pounds. This year I set a goal to hit what the doctors have said is the top of my "Ideal Weight Range." According to them, I will be in my healthy weight when I am 175 pounds. But the bigger goal, the one that I have not talked about is my goal to see myself the way others see me and to reset my mental image of myself. It is not an easy thing to do, especially when you grow up hearing "You're fat. You're ugly" or people act toward you in ways that lead you to not believe in yourself. I know there are people who use those to rise above. I was one of those people who took the words in and internalized them. Sometimes they stuck, at others they rolled off my back.

Recently I started talking with someone I worked a haunted house with who is a very talented photographer. In the course of our discussion, he mentioned that everyone has 1 photo that they want to do. I insisted that I could not think of one, but as we kept talking, I remembered a Janet Jackson album cover that I would say was my secret photo desire. It is sexy, it has attitude, and most of all it says "I am comfortable with who I am. So I mentioned this to John, and as we continued talking, he came up with the idea to try a "Greek Statue" shoot as well. So, we had 2 solid ideas, and I let slip that I did not have any qualms with shooting nude as long as I had control over who would see the images. We set up a day and time, and I took a couple of moments to talk to someone.

There is someone who came into my life not too long ago who has helped me to see myself through his eyes. Whether or not I am dressed up, in jeans, or in sweats, he thinks I am beautiful in them all. When I told him I wanted to lose weight, he told me not too much and I gave him permission to tell me if I get too thin. Permission, so he knows I won't get mad if he says something. =) Needless to say, he has been good to me and I'm glad he is a friend. But, I also wanted to check with him before I did these photos. Not because I wanted his permission, but because I wanted to make sure he would be ok with it.

Anyway, Friday we took the pictures. More of them ended up nude than I thought. I'm glad that John has to ask me before he shows them, but I'm thinking I also need to find out WHICH photos he shows, as some I am more comfortable with than others. But I have this to say for the entire experience. John was a doll to work with, treated me with respect, did everything he could to make me comfortable, and I will recommend him to ANYONE wanting ANY type of photo done. But more important than that, at least to me, is that seeing myself through a photographers lens shows me that my body is different than my mental image of it. Sure, there are areas that I want to tone up more, what woman doesn't? But on a whole, WOW. I have curves in the right places, amazing collarbones, and a total mental reset in how I look.

One could not have done this photo shoot if they had inhibitions, and I have long since lost many of them, but I was still nervous. But no matter what anyone says to me, I am glad that I did it. For it has changed the way I see myself, and that is the best gift I could have.

And no, I am not posting any of my photos on here. If you want to see, contact me and we will see.

Body Image

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. Maybe it comes from trying to please someone who could never be pleased growing up. Maybe it comes from holding myself to a high standard. Maybe it is a combination of all that and more. Who knows. All I know is that about 50% of the time when I look in the mirror, I am not happy with what I see.

Now, I am never going to have plastic surgery or anything drastic. I love my features, even my extra gummy smile that was caused by me breaking the tiny band of skin that holds our gums to the lip when swimming as a kid. But I always feel like I am fat. Always. I look in the mirror and don't see what other people tell me they see. I see someone who needs to lose at LEAST 15 pounds.

Why 15 pounds? 15 pounds would get me to the TOP of the "ideal weight" scale that I have been hearing I should be in my entire adult life. Honestly, I don't think I have been anywhere near that in my entire life. No, wait. I hit the top of it when my body was not absorbing ANYTHING I was eating in the weeks before my diagnosis with CD. Needless to say, once I was able to eat again, the weight went back up to about 185-190. That is down from my heaviest of almost 200 pounds.

As long as I can remember, the women in my family have been trying to lose weight, or talking about losing weight. I'm thankful that due to my CD diagnosis, a lot of the danger food that others enjoy and consider their diet downfalls are off-limits to me, and I refuse to bake any of them for just myself, as I will eat it all. And I try to enjoy my sweets in moderation. So, I'm working on getting on the right path food wise in terms of portion size and getting a good protein/carb mix. I am using www.myfitnesspal.com to help me track my food intake. I am also going to use Shakeology (a gluten-free meal replacement drink) to help me get in a "3rd meal" on days when I have rehearsal and don't have time to make something healthy.

I love to be active, but at the same time, I love to sit on my computer and veg. The Chicago Park District is free from Jan 2-9 and I am going to try to take advantage of that at least 3x to get in a good hour on the elliptical and the bike. I have been told that is longer than I need to go for a good cardio workout, but I love going an hour. I feel good when I am done. The last time I had a guest pass to a gym, I got about 16 miles in on a recumbent bike with sore knees. I have become a Team Beachbody coach because I love their low-impact programs like Yoga Booty Ballet and Slim in Six and want to try Brazilian Butt Lift. I wish I could do P90X, or Insanity, but my knees and the floor of my apartment (and downstairs neighbors) would not appreciate it. These are great programs and I encourage anyone to look into them.

It is frustrating to me to see people who are shorter and rounder (I mean this as no insult to them, it is just my mental frustration) wearing the same size pants as I wear. It makes me think that while I may have thought I was skinny, I am really as fat as they are. Not good mental health on my part, I know. I'm thankful for the ex who helped me to realize how beautiful I am, inside and out, and that other people think I am gorgeous. But I need to learn to see myself as gorgeous at all times, and not when dressed up with the hair and the make-up done.

15 pounds by June. That is do-able. A certain someone has already told me they will let me know if 15 pounds actually is too much on me and I need to stop. I trust this person. And hopefully, I can work on the negative mindset I have about weight in my head. I just know I don't want to end up looking like my mother with her attitude towards food and weight.