I'm sorry, this probably is not going to be the most fun blog today. But see, the thing is, I don't really have anyone to talk to about what I am thinking. I feel that I have to wear different masks when interacting with different people and I cannot let them drop, not even to my family. With this person I have to be fun and playful, with that one I am their to offer support, with another I am a "big sister" figure and with others I am that random person on the periphery that they say "HI" to once in a while. But I feel like I don't really have anyone that I can share with. So my blog will have to do.
2 years ago I moved to Chicago to "grow up." I had decided that it was time that I had an adult job, earning real money and making a move to have a career. I LOVE(d) performing at Disney, but 2 knee surgeries and various aches and pains later, thought that I could not do it forever and that I needed to move on. Those who know me, know all of the details of the move and the whys and wherefores, so I am not going to rehash them here.
Thing is, I have tried 2 adult jobs and been fired from both of them. The HR Director at my last job told me that now I could go follow my passion and do what I love. Bt I don't have a lot of non-theme park experience in what I love, I am running out of money, earning LESS than I did at Disney, the city of Chicago is draining my money because of stupid reasons (forgetting to get a new city sticker, then ticketing me the day I go buy the new one, being parked on the wrong side of the street on sweeping day cuz there was not a sign near where I parked, etc), and I am frustrated, tired and working my way toward depression.
YES, I have another part-time job leasing apartments. It pays $8/hr plus a set commission on anything I rent, so it will help. But when you go from earning $14/hr to $8 and full-time with benefits to part-time with none, it hurts.
I know myself and I know the signs. I am prepping for a BUNCH of auditions in August and staying positive on that one, but with the rest of my life I feel the big chasm of depression starting to open up and I do not know how to fight it or how much strength I have TO fight it. Granted, I say that now, but knowing me, once I start really sliding I will find a way to pick myself up and fight on and get out.
But do I take a year and try to really break into performing, or do I go after the jobs that will pay the money I need to pay off my student loan debt and live comfortably? And why is it an either/or situation? Oh, I am so confused and lost.
Thoughts and Ramblings from a wannabe actress.
About Me
- Mel
- The random ramblings of someone learning to accept who they are and enjoying the trip.
1 comment:
Hey Mel, it sounds like you are going through some really hard times right now, and without a good support system.
We're not really well-acquainted, but I can very much relate to the performing artist career woes you're experiencing. I went through them a couple of years ago, and I'm not going to pretend I did anything other than change careers. But I did it because I had goals that (after much reflection) I didn't think I could meet being a performing jazz musician. I looked around me and saw everyone else down the road having the same struggles, and I said, "No way!"
Now, that's not advice to give up or change careers! There's a great book you can probably get at the library, called "Life's a Bitch, and Then You Change Careers." I think it's by Andrea Kay. It's a great read, and I think it would be helpful if you are looking at all the various options at staying in the career you love, but needing some form of employment in it. Despite the name, I think it's useful for brainstorming even if you DON'T want to change careers.
I can relate to what you're going through--I struggled with depression while being a broke performing artist with no safety net, and no parental support or encouragement. While my story isn't very encouraging, I can say that I worked through the depression by radically changing my diet and changing my career and life goals (I went raw vegan for awhile, and was able to stay off the depression meds for the first time in nearly 10 years). I've kept most of my dietary stuff going (still vegan), changed my career, and added a ton of exercise, and the depression went away. Everybody's different, but I think overall stress due to difficult job/career issues can really bring on depression, and removing it can alleviate it.
Anyway, that's my story in a nutshell, and I feel for you!
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