Photos

I've hinted at it before, but it is a fact of life that my self-perception of how I look does not match up with the way other see me and how my body actually is. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see the things that I like (oooh, some definition in my abs, oooh, a little curve around my ribcage showing an inward indentation of curves), but most of the time I see the things I do not like (thighs that touch, chicken wings). I am the first to admit that the "ideal" image of a woman is in my brain even though I know I would look ill if I was that thin, but to be that toned and thin. I look in the mirror and see the girl in the size 16 jeans weighing around 200 pounds, instead of the woman floating between a size 10 and 12 weighing 179 pounds. This year I set a goal to hit what the doctors have said is the top of my "Ideal Weight Range." According to them, I will be in my healthy weight when I am 175 pounds. But the bigger goal, the one that I have not talked about is my goal to see myself the way others see me and to reset my mental image of myself. It is not an easy thing to do, especially when you grow up hearing "You're fat. You're ugly" or people act toward you in ways that lead you to not believe in yourself. I know there are people who use those to rise above. I was one of those people who took the words in and internalized them. Sometimes they stuck, at others they rolled off my back.

Recently I started talking with someone I worked a haunted house with who is a very talented photographer. In the course of our discussion, he mentioned that everyone has 1 photo that they want to do. I insisted that I could not think of one, but as we kept talking, I remembered a Janet Jackson album cover that I would say was my secret photo desire. It is sexy, it has attitude, and most of all it says "I am comfortable with who I am. So I mentioned this to John, and as we continued talking, he came up with the idea to try a "Greek Statue" shoot as well. So, we had 2 solid ideas, and I let slip that I did not have any qualms with shooting nude as long as I had control over who would see the images. We set up a day and time, and I took a couple of moments to talk to someone.

There is someone who came into my life not too long ago who has helped me to see myself through his eyes. Whether or not I am dressed up, in jeans, or in sweats, he thinks I am beautiful in them all. When I told him I wanted to lose weight, he told me not too much and I gave him permission to tell me if I get too thin. Permission, so he knows I won't get mad if he says something. =) Needless to say, he has been good to me and I'm glad he is a friend. But, I also wanted to check with him before I did these photos. Not because I wanted his permission, but because I wanted to make sure he would be ok with it.

Anyway, Friday we took the pictures. More of them ended up nude than I thought. I'm glad that John has to ask me before he shows them, but I'm thinking I also need to find out WHICH photos he shows, as some I am more comfortable with than others. But I have this to say for the entire experience. John was a doll to work with, treated me with respect, did everything he could to make me comfortable, and I will recommend him to ANYONE wanting ANY type of photo done. But more important than that, at least to me, is that seeing myself through a photographers lens shows me that my body is different than my mental image of it. Sure, there are areas that I want to tone up more, what woman doesn't? But on a whole, WOW. I have curves in the right places, amazing collarbones, and a total mental reset in how I look.

One could not have done this photo shoot if they had inhibitions, and I have long since lost many of them, but I was still nervous. But no matter what anyone says to me, I am glad that I did it. For it has changed the way I see myself, and that is the best gift I could have.

And no, I am not posting any of my photos on here. If you want to see, contact me and we will see.

Body Image

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. Maybe it comes from trying to please someone who could never be pleased growing up. Maybe it comes from holding myself to a high standard. Maybe it is a combination of all that and more. Who knows. All I know is that about 50% of the time when I look in the mirror, I am not happy with what I see.

Now, I am never going to have plastic surgery or anything drastic. I love my features, even my extra gummy smile that was caused by me breaking the tiny band of skin that holds our gums to the lip when swimming as a kid. But I always feel like I am fat. Always. I look in the mirror and don't see what other people tell me they see. I see someone who needs to lose at LEAST 15 pounds.

Why 15 pounds? 15 pounds would get me to the TOP of the "ideal weight" scale that I have been hearing I should be in my entire adult life. Honestly, I don't think I have been anywhere near that in my entire life. No, wait. I hit the top of it when my body was not absorbing ANYTHING I was eating in the weeks before my diagnosis with CD. Needless to say, once I was able to eat again, the weight went back up to about 185-190. That is down from my heaviest of almost 200 pounds.

As long as I can remember, the women in my family have been trying to lose weight, or talking about losing weight. I'm thankful that due to my CD diagnosis, a lot of the danger food that others enjoy and consider their diet downfalls are off-limits to me, and I refuse to bake any of them for just myself, as I will eat it all. And I try to enjoy my sweets in moderation. So, I'm working on getting on the right path food wise in terms of portion size and getting a good protein/carb mix. I am using www.myfitnesspal.com to help me track my food intake. I am also going to use Shakeology (a gluten-free meal replacement drink) to help me get in a "3rd meal" on days when I have rehearsal and don't have time to make something healthy.

I love to be active, but at the same time, I love to sit on my computer and veg. The Chicago Park District is free from Jan 2-9 and I am going to try to take advantage of that at least 3x to get in a good hour on the elliptical and the bike. I have been told that is longer than I need to go for a good cardio workout, but I love going an hour. I feel good when I am done. The last time I had a guest pass to a gym, I got about 16 miles in on a recumbent bike with sore knees. I have become a Team Beachbody coach because I love their low-impact programs like Yoga Booty Ballet and Slim in Six and want to try Brazilian Butt Lift. I wish I could do P90X, or Insanity, but my knees and the floor of my apartment (and downstairs neighbors) would not appreciate it. These are great programs and I encourage anyone to look into them.

It is frustrating to me to see people who are shorter and rounder (I mean this as no insult to them, it is just my mental frustration) wearing the same size pants as I wear. It makes me think that while I may have thought I was skinny, I am really as fat as they are. Not good mental health on my part, I know. I'm thankful for the ex who helped me to realize how beautiful I am, inside and out, and that other people think I am gorgeous. But I need to learn to see myself as gorgeous at all times, and not when dressed up with the hair and the make-up done.

15 pounds by June. That is do-able. A certain someone has already told me they will let me know if 15 pounds actually is too much on me and I need to stop. I trust this person. And hopefully, I can work on the negative mindset I have about weight in my head. I just know I don't want to end up looking like my mother with her attitude towards food and weight.

2 Shows and 3 Auditions Later...

Acting is a craft, it requires work and dedication and tenaciouness. There are few other industries where you face rejection on a regular basis and yet you still get up and bare your heart and soul in front of strangers in the strange hope that they like what they see enough to cast you in their next production so that you can pour yourself into the skin of somebody else and actually escape from who you are and all of your problems for a bit and take on someone elses -- and their problems are faced and dealt with and given some form of closure 2-3 hours later. If only life was that simple.

I guess I should start with the show news. When I auditioned for 12 ANGRY they were soliciting song titles to be considered for inclusion in their fall cabaret show, WHAT I DID FOR LOVE (which is also one of the best known songs from A CHORUS LINE). Of course I had song titles!! Most of mine were not from the happy, "i love you, life is good" variety. The songs that were excavted from my mental storage units were more along the lines of "love sucks, leave me alone, I'm alone" variety. Well, 3 of my top 4 were. My 4th song was just silly. My top 3 suggestions were "Being Alive" from COMPANY, "Not that Girl" from WICKED, and "Build Me a Wall"from SHREK. The fourth was "Love is Always Lovely" from THE DROWSY CHAPERONE. When speaking with the director, I had arguments for all of them, but was very passionate about why they needed to counter all the "happy love songs" and even the "really not that bitter" end of love songs with a song about why someone would be apprehensive about entering into a relationship and at the same time have longing for the things they are apprehensive about.

So....imagine my surprise when I walk into the first 12 ANGRY rehearsal and discover that they wanted me to sing "Being Alive" in WIDFL. Now, they have NEVER heard me sing! But they said that I was so passionate about it they wanted me to sing it. HOLY SHIZZ!!! So, working with 1/2 of the Dramatic Duo via e-mail on intention and acting the song and mambo blonde (voice) on the technique side for 2 weeks (had more of that for the show, but my voice school had a break), I put it into shape. This show was the first time, other than my Grandmother's funeral, that I sang a solo in front of people. EEP! I was also the ONLY person in the show that was brand new to the group! Everyone else has been involved with the troupe for at least 3 years. I think I did a pretty decent job. Video is posted on my FB page..there is room for improvement, but not a bad first time singing solo!!

12 AJ opens next week. It has been hard getting my brain back into it after having a week off for WIDFL. I now know all of my lines and pretty much have my cue lines down. I <3>

On to auditions!!
#1 was for the Drama Group production of FOOTLOOSE. I am the first person to say that I am NOT a big fan of this show, as I think the arrangements of songs I love from popular radio are weak at best. But I was begged by the AD to audition and many of my DG friends asked me if I was going to.....so I did. Normally, I will prepare a specific song for an audition, bu for this one, since I literally decided to attend the day of the audition, I walked in and said "these are the 2 songs I can sing for you. What do you want to hear?" Immediately they chose one because it was similar in style to what one of the mothers sang. No problem. Then off to learn the dance, which was fun and cheesy and, well, a bit 80's! But it was a blast and I even had a partner taller than me, so SCORE!! Finally, it was time for the cold reading. I was paired up with someone I would LOVE to work with to read Shaw and Vi. It. Was. Electric! The only other time I have had a reading this good was for COA. Sadly, every time the music director or assistant diretor would recommend they read me, the director would brush me off. Before we left, he went on a LOOOOOOONG rant about how if you have a lot of conflicts (hello, my Sept. w/the 2 Hale productions), then you should not even be auditioning. Pretty much knew right then and there that I was not cast, no matter how strong my audition was....and I was right.

#2 was for Oak Lawn and CABARET!!! I want to play Frau. Kost!! I think it is a great role. I worked on my German accent (which, with my bg you would think would come naturally), sadly did not work on my song as much as I would have liked, as the audition was the day after WIDFL closed and I was so focused on that (and I could not sing "Being" b/c that was learned and performed to a backing track and this was a w/piano audition) But I went in on the first day (never my favorite), sang my song, danced the dance (and bruised my right thigh from here to eternity)...was one of 3 asked to dance again(!) and for the first time I was one of 4 girls (out of about 15 there) who was asked to stay and sing again and one of 2 asked to sing for the role I wanted! WHEEEEEEEE!!! Seriously, I was waltzng on air. =) They had me sing Kost's song with someone. I missed the first high note b/c I tried to belt it, but the next time it came around I flipped into my head voice and nailed it!!!!! Sadly, I did not get the part and was not asked to read.... =( ..... but apparently only 1 person did read for the role, and from what I hear, she is also the only other person to sing for the character. The performer is a favorite with the group with an amazing voice, so....I'm focusing on the positives from the auition!!!

#3 was for JPAC and another straight play. It was a monologue audition (which I need help with for some reason) and I broke out a new old monologue (haven't touched it in a couple of years) as my last one was not working too well. Sadly, it took me forever to find it, so I did not have a lot of time to work it. Thankfully, my brain remembered it all! I got a laugh, which was a first so YEA and was asked to read a side, which was also a YEA. I did not get the show, but I gave a good audition and I am happy with it.

There is more coming up on the horizon. I'll keep you posted on life!!

It's Been Awhile

Wow, it has been a LOOOOOONG time since I wrote!

Let's see, CITY OF ANGELS with the Drama Group opened....and closed. I had lines and was so happy to get laughs with my lines. I learned how to smoke a cigar (ick) and made friends that I thought would last a while. Who knows what is going on there, you know? It's after a show....

The next adventure was with 99th Street Summer Theatre and being Reporter #1/Passenger in their production of ANYTHING GOES. It was an adventure, that is for sure. Not sure it is one I want to repeat, for reasons I will leave to myself, but I met some fantastic (and fantastically talented) people. All in all, it was an interesting way to spend the summer.

While that was going on, I auditioned for THE DROWSY CHAPERONE. I <3 that show and 1/2 of the Dramatic Duo encouraged me MONTHS ago to audition for Mrs. Tottendale, saying it would be a better fit than Chaperone (another character I love and dream of playing). I REALLY want to play Mrs. T. While I did not get THAT production of it, my spirits were lifted when I received an e-mail from the director informing me that I was 1 0f 2 that he felt horrible about not using. I take that as a good sign, right??

Then, I got my next adventure. Doing a straight drama. No music. Me and 11 other people on stage. 12 ANGRY JURORS. You know 12 ANGRY MEN? Well, this is the version with men and women, so there really is no difference other than we aren't all men. I am playing juror #12. Not a large role, but considering the director has never worked with me before and I am the only one where that is the case or he has not seen the person on stage, I consider it an honor to be cast at all. This show is going to be a challenge and I am looking forward to all that it brings!

Then today I had an audition that was just about perfect for me. It was for a new show titled ALIEN QUEEN. The show looks to be a spoof on the ALIEN/ALIENS movie (hello! I look like Sigourney Weaver) and uses the music of QUEEN, my all-time favorite group. Who knows how it went. I went in, sang a capella b/c the music did not arrive in time, read a Ripley scene, they said to read scene 2 to see where it went. I infused it with a little more anger/passion/fury/disgust. Then they asked me to sing one more song. Oh, the first song was "I Want to Break Free" and the second song was "Save Me." Like I said, who knows how it went. It was an audition, I went in, did my best, felt like I learned a little something and if anything comes from it GREAT, and if not...GREAT! =)

For now, I'm going to focus on being an angry juror! =)

Audition #6 -- Got a Little Motto, Always Gets Me Through....

Tonight, after CITY OF ANGELS rehearsal, I headed out to Wheaton to audition for Wheaton Drama's production of CHICAGO.

Now, I showed my voice instructor (who I LOVE) the song I wanted to sing at my lesson and she asked for a copy so she could practice it because it had 5 sharps. I am really wishing she had just attempted it once....but we will get to that in a minute.

Anyway, they were asking people to make appointments and once I decided I was going to do it, I made an appointment for 9pm because I thought rehearsal would go later due to us starting later and then it would take me about an hour to get there. Well, even stopping to pick up a mandarin chicken salad I was over an hour early, which is great because that gave me time to eat and relax and try to get out of "rehearsal" mindset and into "audition" mindset. HA! Honestly, this was another audition I went to to get some experience and have some fun, because I don't think I have a chance since it opens less than a month after CITY closes.

I headed out right after I got out of CITY rehearsals and had enough time to swing by Wendy's for dinner (yea salad) and chill for an hour in their lobby before my audition time. While waiting I heard 8 other people sing the same song I had started preparing!!!! I thought about changing it, but I did not have the sheet music for the other song I was considering and I wanted to at least LOOK at it!!

This director did things in a different way that I wish more directors would do. Each person that registered was assigned to either group A, B or C. There were 3 rooms. Room A was singing, Room B was dance and Room C was cold reading. Every 20 minutes the group would rotate to the next one. It got people in and thru the process in an efficient manner. Of course, the 9pm on a Sunday group was so small that there were only 2 groups and my group only had 2 people in it!

On to the singing room, which was the stage. Let this be my lesson for the day -- sing your song AT LEAST once with a piano!!! Seems simple right, but no, I have just been singing with a recording and it was a half-step higher than the music I had. OOPS. Other lesson I have to learn -- don't apologize when you don't do 100%!! On the positive side, the last 16 bars of the 32 I sang were strong, supported, correct and full!

Next, the cold read. My partner started the minute she got the pages so I wasn't able to set an intention in my head. Stupid me. Once I knew who I was reading I should have come up with SOMETHING!! And then we switched. I gave her a couple of seconds to read the other side and asked if she was ready to begin and got a dumb look. Oh help! We get going, reach a point where she wants to put her arm around me and asks me to "get shorter." This. Is. Not. Good. So, I crouch down and do something with my arms and the next thing I am finishing my lines HOLDING the person reading for Mama. Oh. My. Goodness!!! Yea, I started laughing and at that point I pretty much knew that all hope was lost.

On to the dance. Now, they had set up 2 times that you could go to the choreographers studio to learn the routine. Sadly, I had conflicts with both. So I had about 12 minutes to learn an intricate routine, ran it all the way thru 2x with the choreographer and then performed it. Well, I did pretty good on the back half, but I was lost at the beginning because my brain was so full!! Oh well.

Needless to say, I received a very nice e-mail from the director telling me that I did not get cast. Once again, I am of the opinion to go on the second night and now I know a couple of new things to work on. In the meantime, I have CITY to focus on as that is opening soon and more auditions to prep for!

Audition #5 -- It's a Hard Knock Life, For Me!

I've been debating heading up to GR for this audition for a long, loooong time. Circle Theatre, a theatre that I interned for in 1995 was holding auditions....and they were doing ANNIE! HELLLOOOO!!!! Miss Hannigan = DREAM ROLE!!!!

Because I was not 100% sure if I was going to come up for the auditions, I did not make an appointment, but I was perfectly happy sitting around for a bit until I could get in. I met a girl from Colorado who flew in to audition for the role of Annie because she had just done it and wanted to do it again. I met a bunch of people doing the latest Circle Show. And I listened to my song and practiced!

Finally, I got called in with about 14 other people. There were about 14 people sitting at a table for the 2 shows they were auditioning for, and they were RIGHTattheedgeofthestage. I was the 2nd to last person to audition and I had noticed that the accompanist was coming out from behind the piano to greet each person so I walked right up to him, stuck out my hand and introduced myself and thanked him. I then showed him my music with its 3 key changes in 16 measures. Then I stepped into the curve of the baby grand (ooooh!! baby grand!!) and said, "Hello, I am your tall drink of water for the day. My name is XXX and I am going to be singing XXX from XXX." Then I sang my 16 bars and got the feeling that they wanted more. Before I sat down to change shoes they wanted my picture and after seeing everyone being serious and being in a silly mood, I did a "Japanese tourist."

Then it was time for the dance combination! Ok, after what I have done the last couple of auditions with dance combos this one was the easiest one yet!! They wanted to try to combine the styles of "Little Shop" and "Annie." The song was "Easy Street" and I felt that since the song has so much attitude I was going to put it into my dancing. They did not say to play it straight, so I put character into it. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, but.....

After the audition someone asked me if I was auditioning for Miss Hannigan, I responded in the affirmative and they told me I had the perfect voice for her!

I don't think I am going to get this show (I did not), but it was a lot of fun going back home and auditioning for a theatre that I interned at back in 199*mumble*. I think I had poor song choice for what I was auditioning for and I think I may have come off as being a little too flippant when in actuality I was trying to break the nerves up in me.

Audition 4 -- I thought City of Angels was a movie!?!?!

Ok, actually that is not true. I have known that City of Angels was a musical since 1991 when Madison Scouts Drum & Bugle Corps presented selections from the show as their on-field production. Granted, I did not rush out to purchase the CD after 91 & 92 when they repeated the show with some different selections, but I knew the basic premise of the show.

Fast forward to now....I know the audition is coming up, it is the one I have been hoping to get since MAME ended. Many thank to my Vats for making sure I had the CD on my iPod when I visited NOLA last summer so that I could learn to love the music. Since the audition called for a song from the show, I picked one out that I liked (It Needs Work), went to the library and made a copy of it and then started working on it with my new voice instructor.

A week before the audition, I was offered a part in the Adult Ensemble in OLIVER! (ie, Audition #3) OMG! 3 auditions in and I was offered a role!!! That is sooo much better than 21 auditions before a role. =) However, I asked them to wait because I had put so much time in prepping for CITY that I wanted to audition for that and the rehearsal days did not allow for overlap.

So...off to the audition. Should I mention that it was a BLIZZARD out?? Yea, the snow was coming down like CRAZY, but I was NOT going to miss this audition. So, I set out early in the batmobile, drove slowly and carefully and made it down to the theatre. Seeing as how this was the same group that produced MAME, I knew a LOT of people at the audition! So, filled out the paperwork and waited.

First up, the singing. Your gut drops a bit when you present the music director a song from the show, taken from the score, and she does not recognize it or know how to play it. Ever try to sing something that was supposed to be syncopated against something that is played straight?? Yea, it kinda throws you off a bit, but you work your way through it. Sadly, I was working so hard on that some of my higher notes did not hit quite right. Oh well.

Next, the dancing. The first routine was a little bit challenging but not that much. The one thing it was driving home was that I really needed to work on my technique. Didn't even take it into the studio to perform it, the choreographer scored us right there in the rehearsal space/costume build area.

On to the cold reads! I read for Oolie and Avril Reigns. When I finished with Avril several people gave me thumbs up and told me I did a great job! Honestly, it was the first time I really felt good about a cold read.

Finally.....last dance combination! Holy sexy batman!! It was INTENSE and HOTTTTT!!!!

............

Ok, I started writing this a while ago and never got around to finishing it....I had to make a choice between CITY OF ANGELS and OLIVER! and chose to do CITY because I was offered a speaking role, which (in my mind) beats out Ensemble any day of the week. I am also going to be dancing in a couple of the numbers, which is thrilling. I am not in all because, once again, I am the tallest person on stage! =)